Lesson Learned✔

21

Aspen

I sucked in a breath, eyes set on the white and black screen. Even when I knew what I was looking for, I couldn't make out any tiny baby- babies. 

Images of them both flashed in front of me, small hands holding my fingers. Toothless smiles aimed at me, chubby cheeks in the palms of my hands. Both of them together, holding each other with I showered them in kisses and hugs. Taking care of them even if I would struggle, even if I was young I'd try to be the best mom. A smile played on my lips, at the future, of Chris and I with our family. Of the kids, of- my fingers closed around Chris's. 

Or they should have, looking down I realized Chris's hand had slipped away from mine. Turning my gaze upwards, I was met with startled grey eyes, face drained of color. 

My smile faltered, stomach dropping. The joy leaving me in a single breath at the stoic face Chris wore. 

He- God. I had witnessed many emotions of Chris, had once been unable to gauge his emotions and now tears stung my eyes seeing him. Seeing the rigid emotion in his lips, lining every corner of his handsome face. 

I had pushed it, unknowingly I had pushed the limits of him. He- even if he had asked me to marry him, even if he said he was ready, it didn't mean he wanted two at the same time. 

Oh God 

Chris didn't even look at me, not as his gaze was trained on my stomach. He didn't move, didn't blink, even the air seemed to be trapped in him as Dr. Evanston talked on. I only caught onto a few words, from heartbeat to picture. Nodding only to move, pushing away the tears, pushing the gut slashing feeling at whatever Chris was thinking. 

Could he be regretting it all? Did two babies change everything? Would I have to- I shook my head. No, he loved me. He- it was normal. God I was shocked myself but in a good way, this was a blessing not a curse. 

Taking a few steadying breaths, I willed myself to talk, to implore Dr. Evanston as to how this had happened, how I was carrying not one but two babies. 

Dr. Evanston turned, moving the wand around my stomach, the picture blurring, a heartbeat pounding a little harder. "Well there are many reasons. Primarily it has to do with family genetics. Do you have siblings-" I shook my head- "I know Chris is the only child. So it could be parents or distant family. It really varies but it's not uncommon for first time pregnancies to result in twins." 

I could only nod at her, processing all that she was saying. Trying not to fall apart as Chris said nothing, to not get lost at the empty feeling in my heart. It had been there, always had been there but now it just expanded. From early on I had felt that little hole, so small that I never figured out why it was there. 

And now... 

"Look I'm going to give y'all a few minutes. I think you need them." Sympathy was heavy on her voice as I looked at her, seeing her gaze trained on Chris. 

There wasn't a hint on jealousy in me, not as I saw the shake of her head directed at him. Disapproving. Dr. Evanston was about to remove the gel that remained but I shook her off, taking the wet wipe from her hold. 

I held onto my tears, unable to form any words as she understood what I wanted. "It's normal. Give him time," she whispered as she stood up, her jaw set as she glanced at Chris. I could see her frown, her hesitance even as she left, see that even she didn't believe her own words. 

I swallowed as she left the room, closing the noise from outside. Yet still I could hear them, hear the footsteps as there was nothing but utter silence in the room. I knew I needed to say something, to at least get a few words from Chris, as bad as they could be. Yet I was scared of the rejection, of him pushing me, of him walking away.