Lesson Learned✔

29

Aspen

Disneyland was another world.

I was mesmerized and overjoyed as Chris and I walked around the amusement park for hours, as he led me across different shops and rides, his fingers holding mine or clutching my waist.

A childish happiness sat in me as we entered, as I saw the diffident Disney characters. My breath catching at every turn, fingers squeezing Chris's as I bounced with joy. 

But the amount of joy was also rivaled by sadness, a heart throbbing feeling that made me cry several times, Chris pressing me to his chest as I did, his big hands soothing over my shakes with a calmness. 

I told him it was the hormones which were half the truth, the fact that I was pregnant did cause my crying but it also had to do with the fact that I had spent years in a reclusive school and pulled away from all of this. 

I was pulled from having fun, from seeing this much diversity and enjoyment. A resentment grew in me with those thoughts, resentment towards my parents because they never told me why they thrusted me in that school. Why they decided it would be better to spend years with only girls and God, why they decided to stop me from being an actual child. 

There was a knowing that if things had been different, I wouldn't be where I was now. That I wouldn't have found love with Chris, that maybe he and I wouldn't have ever met- no that was a lie, we would have met at some point. I knew it, Chris and I were meant to be oddly strange and different, we belonged and at some point or another, we would have crossed and our story would begin in a different way but end the same, together. 

Yet when I felt those dark feelings rise too much, another wave of nostalgia washed through me. Remembering my mother, her cracked lips and dull eyes, her lithe finger as she brushed away a tear. I could still hear her words, her soft and broken voice whispering how sorry she was, telling me that Chris would take good care of me. And he had- he was. 

Those feelings stayed with me all day, even when I tried pushing them away. Whatever the reason for them to do what they did mattered but I didn't care and I wouldn't be like them. I- they didn't abandon me per say, they did visit me, they told me they loved me but that wasn't what parents did with their children. They were supposed to love them, take care of them, watch them grow and I would be what they lacked doing. 

I would be a good mother, I would love my kids as fiercely as I loved Chris or maybe even more. I wouldn't abandon them or even deny them, not when I knew they would be my center.

Disneyland was our second day, our first had been walking aimlessly around the city, looking at tourist spots, eating and shopping. Chris buying me- well the twins a set of onesies he had seen on display, his eyes gleaming with happiness. 

Now I tilted my chin up, enjoying the beaming sun. It was quiet and calm, well as much as it could be with the distant noise of waves and yelling.

I could fall asleep here, let my back relax while Chris's fingers worked my feet. His hands smooth and warm, fingers moving up and down my ankle, pressing down with a gentleness. 

I loved his fingers. Skilled and steady, long and hard against my skin. 

I would have dozed off, would fall asleep but I felt a light weight falling over my body, my eyes flickering open to see a towel draped over me. "Hey. I was enjoying the sun," I whined as I looked down at Chris, his eyes smoldering.

I could see it in his eyes, an annoyance but not towards me. An emotion that should be there because we were on our honeymoon and we were supposed to be happy not gloomy.