Lesson Learned✔

Bonus 1

Aspen

There was lots of crying and not the good one. 

I didn't know what I was doing wrong, I had fed them, changed them, rocked them in my arms but still they both cried. Still they wailed up at me, my own tears staining their cheeks as I tried to calm them down to no avail. 

"What do you want?" I sobbed down, tired of it, of not knowing. It had been like this for the past ten minutes, both of them crying along with me. 

Right now I could admit having children at my age and with my experience wasn't such a great idea, that I wasn't ready. I could admit that it was too much, especially with two. That I was a horrible mother because I couldn't pacify them as hard as I tried.

I didn't even know how it started, one second they were both fine, happy, toothless smiles beaming up at me and then Austin started. I had tried to calm him down before Jordan woke up but I couldn't manage that. 

She woke up seconds later and joined her brother and then I did too when I couldn't stop them.

Now all I could do was go over everything Dr. Evanston told me, check them, talk to them, beg them to stop crying which didn't work. 

Jordan stopped momentarily, her big grey eyes unblinking as she stared at me, little fist resting on her chest.

There was that brief silence, Austin's cries lowering a fraction, my stomach loosening because I had been afraid. Scared if they cried for any longer something bad could happen, even though Chris had told me it was fine. That crying was good but it didn't sound good, not to my ears. 

"Oh God you stopped. You-" too soon, her wails continued, Austin's becoming louder- "No. Please. Don't cry. I don't know what to do."

I was cracking, slowly, unraveling as they didn't listen to me, Austin moving his little body around, fidgeting as Jordan did the same until both of them were almost touching. Brother and sister wailing loudly, my silent sobs a small comparison to theirs. 

Shifting to a better position, I picked Austin in my arms, careful of his head as I tried to sooth down his cries. "Please," I cried down at him, the same grey eyes as his fathers looking up at me.

Five weeks and I loved them, I swear to God I did. They were something I wished for, something I thought I'd never have but I couldn't do this anymore. 

Chris had been of great help, he had done his part too but I was alone in this house while he worked. He didn't leave me, no, he was doing his job because I told him I could handle them but I couldn't. 

I had so much to do, even when Chris said I didn't need to. Even when he told me all I had to do was take care of the twins and myself, that the rest he could do when he came home. But what kind of wife/mother was I when I couldn't do any of that? I felt completely, utterly useless and stupid... and dirty. 

Now, it had been easier in the hospital, a nurse helping me, Dr. Evanston rushing in to show me a few things I needed to know. And it had been good the first few days, a few weeks, I had thought I could manage motherhood but that was a big fat lie I had told myself. 

Both of them were healthy, that much I could be thankful for even when they were born a few weeks early. They were healthy, baldish but ever so cute, full cheeks and so similar but different. 

Jordan had a perkier nose, her lips pressed into a scowl. And I knew, or sensed that she would be a handful, that with that dark hair and grey eyes, she would be a walking sin. 

Now Austin had more of his fathers features, or so I said. I could see the same shape of lips, the roundness of his eyes but as Chris had pointed out, he had my arch of brows.