Never Going Back/NOT EDITED

Chapter 19

     It was late, but I wanted to make sure there weren't a lot of people around when I called Jay. 

     "Ryan here", he answered after the third ring.

     "Hey Ryan, it's Cleo. My boss agreed to meet with you. Midnight, tomorrow at the Silo's", even though the boss knew about "Ryan" I still felt a bit paranoid. I tried to keep my voice quiet, but not to where I was whispering.

     "Sounds great. See ya then", Jay hung up the phone.

     It seemed easy, but I still couldn't sleep. After tossing and turning for awhile, I decided to go into Nathan's room. I know I needed to distance myself, especially because Intelligence would be arresting more than half of the gang fairly soon. At the same time I needed to sleep and I felt safe in his arms.

    "You awake", I whispered as I peaked my head into Nathan's room.

    "I am now", a wave of guilt washed over me. I felt selfish for waking him.

    "I'm sorry I woke you", I turned the other way.

    "Wait!", Nathan stopped me in my tracks as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. "What did you need?"

    "I can't sleep, but it's fine. Sorry again", there I go again. Feeling like a burden.

    "Come here", Nathan scooted over and lifted up the blanket. I crawled in the bed as he wrapped his arm around me. We sat there cuddling until both of us fell asleep.

***

     They tried to soften the blow when they told me. I was only six, but I knew this could end one of two ways. One, my mom would leave him and my dad would go to jail. Or two, one day he'd have so much anger that he wouldn't stop. I always hoped for option one.

    I sat at my table while the DCFS worker and my teacher stared at my sympathetically. I remember thinking 'where were you when my mom and I were suffering? You want to show up now and act like you can take care of me.'

     I felt so much anger at the world. I felt anger towards my dad, and also to the people who turned a blind eye. Most of all I felt anger towards my mom. Every time a teacher would ask if we needed help she'd yell at them for accusing my dad of such things. I felt this was all her fault, but at the same time I didn't. How could I feel all of these things at such a young age? 

***

     I woke up in a cold sweat. I must've been stirring because Nathan was already awake, sitting up and stroking my hair. I looked at the clock in his room. It read 7:00 A.M. 

     "You okay?", he asked as I got out of bed.

     "Yeah, just a bad dream I guess", I rubbed my hands through my messy hair.

     "Don't do that", Nathan looked me up and down while he shook his head.

     "Do what exactly", I crossed my arms.

     "Push me away like you always do! Like you do to everyone. I'm not dumb, Cleo. I wish you would just let me in", he stood up. I could tell he was frustrated.

    "Maybe I don't want to let you in!", my eyes started to fill with tears, but I pushed them back.

     "Why? You don't have to carry your problems alone", Nathan put both of his hands on my shoulders. I moved my gaze to the floor, looking in his eyes would just be too painful.

     "I'm supposed to be able to take care of myself! Hell, I've just been doing it my whole life", I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. Nathan didn't say anything. He just held me in his arms and let me cry it out.

     My body stopped shaking from sobbing, and I collected myself. Nathan still had his arms wrapped around me while I laid my head on his chest. We laid there in silence. How was I supposed to start a conversation after everything that has happened? 

     "You hungry?", I hadn't even realized that it was breakfast time.

     "Not really."

     "Did your talk with the boss go well?", Nathan changed the subject as I sat up and faced him.

     "Yeah, he agreed to meet my guy tonight", I had a half-smile on my face.

     "That's great. I guess I'll get to meet this guy once he starts business with our boss", that's when it hit me. Nathan knew who Jay was from the day at the diner. I was screwed.

     "Speaking of, I should probably give him a call", I got up and headed to my room. I saw Nathan head for the kitchen and I made sure no one else was around.

     "Ryan."

     "Hey, Ryan it's Cleo. I just realized that one of my guys, Nathan knows you from back in the day. There's no bad blood is there", I tried to be discreet incase someone else was listening.

     "Damn it...is that the guy from the cafe", I could hear the concern in his voice.

     "Yeah, you remember?", I kept looking around the corner every five seconds.

     "Be honest with him. If he's anything like you said he'll be good with it", Jay said. For a minute I forgot why he wasn't being secretive, but then I remembered only I can hear him.

    "Okay, but he might get a little jittery. The last time he saw you, Camilla was still in your life", I didn't know if Jay was understanding me or not. Nathan's emotions were easily projected on his features, and him getting nervous could tip the boss off.

     "We'll make it work. See ya at midnight. Good luck", Jay hung up leaving me concerned. Did they really have my back?

     I threw my burner on my bed and headed towards the kitchen. Nathan was about to make his plate when I walked up.  "Forgot this. Let's go grab something."

     "Sure", Nathan smiled as his hand intertwined with mine.

    I only had one thought. Please let this go well.