13 Novella 3

Relief

TW: self harm

You go to bed that night feeling buzzed and on edge.

You knew you were safe, that The Doctor had come back as she had promised, but still you couldn't settle.

You toss and turn in your nest but give up quickly, rising from the floor, the lights lifting slightly so you can see what you're doing.

You know exactly what you're doing.

You pad softly to the bathroom and begin to run a bath. Stretching, you try to ease your muscles but it's no use. Anxiety fills you and you strip your clothes, sinking softly into the bath and allowing your head to temporarily go under.

You pull up, gasping as memories of your last encounter with this much water attack you. It was The Tardis pool, the day you jumped off the roof when Jenny regenerated the first time.

You shiver involuntarily and lie back in the warmth. You hated this feeling, like you were to be attacked any second despite being theoretically safe.

It hadn't really bothered you, the actual imprisonment with Yaz- you knew the others were helpless themselves. But you couldn't help yourself thinking that once The Doctor was free and back on the Tardis, she only came back for Yaz.

Sinking back below the surface, you open your mouth and scream at the top of your voice until all the air is gone and the bubbles have ceased, where you emerge, gulping down the moist air.

You don't even try to prevent your mind wandering where it wants, because it's already there, staring at your razor.

In slow motion you reach over the side of the bath, pull it from the cabinet, and twirl it in between your fingers. Subconsciously you feel your hand squeeze around it until the plastic snaps. You were an expert at this. The blade dangles out and you spin it between your fingers, giving a final yank that frees it.

Your heart rate has picked up, and you feel the first rush of serotonin. It feels good.

Sensationally, you drag the blade across your thigh and exhale sharply. It was only light, but the crimson liquid begins to ooze. Mesmerised, you pull again and more blood flows.

Inspired, you cut again and again, losing interest in your thighs and moving back to your wrists and stomach. Your eyes are closing but you are warm and happy.

The water stings the fresh wounds but the pain reminds you that you are alive. You feel a sense of achievement. You actually don't want to die. You just needed to feel enough pain to numb your aching heart. How ironic.

You feel a wave of shock when you eventually open your eyes and find the water a deep crimson.

Panicked and dizzy, you pull yourself from the tub and, stepping out, pull the plug behind you. The water had been too hot and you fall to your knees, pulling a blue towel from a nearby rack and wrapping yourself up.

You shake and wince as you stand cautiously, testing your strength. The wounds flow more freely out here and you dig through the mostly empty cupboard, finding a few small plasters.

They barely cover a single cut. You take the towel back to your floor nest without bothering to change and lie down, exhausted.

The bathroom would have to wait until morning.

You feel successful, allowing the soft triumphant feeling of relief to enevelop you. Closing your eyes, you are asleep within minutes.

   * * *

Your wounds are sore the next morning as you walk stiffly into the kitchen.

Jenny and The Doctor are talking and cut off abruptly when you enter. You try to hide your wincing as you stretch up to pull down the bread and marmite, but you catch The Doctor eyeing you suspiciously. You smile nonchalantly but she still looks shrewd. Sick of her speculation you talk first.

"Good morning" you say, putting bread in the toaster.

"Hiya (Y/n)" replies Jenny with heat rising to her cheeks, and somehow you resonate a similar colour.

Unbelievable.

You carry your toast and sit down at the counter, unable to contain some wincing as your muscles contract with the effort.

"(Y/n) are you hurt?" Asks The Doctor and you shake your head playfully, as though her question were ridiculous, then have an idea.

"Actually yes" you say "I could do with some painkillers" you add, pretending your fear was embarrassment when she looks alarmed.

"I've got some quite painful cramps" you say, the heat in your face at your lies adding a nice touch.

The Doctor's face clears and she finally smiles.

"Of course, heaven knows that sort of pain surprised me when I became a woman." She says, and Jenny looks at her sideways.

"Try becoming a man and having a brief relief before being chucked right back in again." She giggles, but stops suddenly, her face showing she was worried she may have upset you.

You smile at her understandingly and she replicates it timidly. The Regeneration thing still confused you, and it must show on your face.

"Sorry (Y/n), it's just not that weird for us" apologise The Doctor but you shake it off.

"No no, I understand, it's basically a new life each time?" You speculate and they nod. "It isn't weird at all though? Changing gender?" You aim at The Doctor- but someone else answers from the door.

"A little, but I'd definitely say I prefer being a woman, more perks." Missy winks and you laugh at her meaning.

"Really? The disrespect I get as a woman annoys me, you know I was once dunked for supposedly being a witch when I was trying to fight some deadly mud." The Doctor pouts, and the rest of you laugh.

"Yep I remember that" says Yaz entering. Now you were all here. "I think you escaped the chains thanks to Houdini?" She says raising one brow fondly and the blonde Timelady slaps her forehead dramatically.

"Damn it, I still owe him a goose." She mutters darkly.

You snort and Missy looks at you playfully.

"Ridiculous" she mutters and you agree, but that was just The Doctor.