13 Novella 3

Reasons

TW: self harm

"Shit" you mutter as soon as you find consciousness.

You sit up dizzily and are surprised to find you are still on the Tardis deck.

Looking across you can see The Doctor bent over Missy, checking her anxiously. All the air leaves your lungs as you stumble to your feet and run over, throwing yourself beside her.

"Oh no oh god what have I done?" You whisper, lightly shaking her shoulder.

The Doctor doesn't answer, feeling for both pulses.

"Is she...?" You ask in fear but she shakes her head.

"She's alive, her mind knocked her out to save her from the pain." She mutters without looking up at you. You lean back on your heels and begin to sob silently.

"I'm sorry Doctor I really didn't mean to! I was stupidly angry and it wasn't even her fault." You hiccough but she doesn't respond.

"She'll be alright, I'm going to take her to the medbay." She states simply, getting to her feet and lifting Missy effortlessly.

Her head lolls and her long eyelashes are shut gently over her eyes. They disappear off to the medbay, leaving you drowning in guilt and self hatred as well as an all consuming fear.

In a terrified haze of what you were capable of, you turn and walk down the corridor that leads you to your room.

You end up back at the console.

"Listen, I need to do this. My options are self harm or suicide. Pick one, because right now, I'm really not fussy" you threaten.

A door swings slowly open in front of you, and you step into your room. Petty though it may be, you slam your door shut. You march into the bathroom and slam that door too for good measure.

Throwing yourself to the floor you pull your blade from behind the tap and roll up your sleeve, only to remember there is a bandage in the way. Furious, you bite it off with your teeth and gain inspiration.

Hand shaking from the onslaught of expected pain, you pull down a small bottle of perfume and spray it directly onto the raw skin.

It burns like wild fire and you have to bite your other hand to stop from crying out.

It was nice, but you really needed the blood.

Pulling up your sleeve to your shoulder with difficulty, you don't hesitate to slice open your arm.

This time you don't cry, but breathe.

That's what you needed. You cut again, this one for what you did to Missy, again, this one for hurting Jenny, again, this one for The Doctor always having to pick up after you, again, this one for putting Yaz through constant fear.

You continue as the reasons build up and up. This one for not protecting your mother like you should have, this one for letting Abi die, for leaving Georgie, for letting Jay get away with it, for tricking the Tardis.

You must run out of confessions at some point, but you don't stop until you run out of canvas to paint.

You lie back, exhausted and drained but feeling better. It was better this way. Jenny had left you and now Missy would too. They had saved themselves from you. It was agonising relief.

You don't know how long you lie there, blood flowing steadily from your open wounds, hand stinging like you were resting it on hot coals.

You dissociate from the pain until actual dizziness begins to cloud your vision.

You are aware some of the shallower cuts have clotted, but the deeper ones still flow freely.

You lie on the cold tiles just breathing.

You watch your own defeated life story playing continuously, until it is interrupted by something much more melancholy, followed by a knock at your bedroom door.

"I'm busy" you try to call but all that comes out is a weak gargle. Alarmed, someone enters and raps lightly at the bathroom door.

You really needed to put locks on both, but you doubt you were trusted. Given your current situation you think it were understandable.

"(Y/n)? Are you in there?" Your heart falters as you recognise Missy's calm voice.

"Missy" you croak, unable to move.

"Yes it's me, are you ok?" She calls and you blink back tears.

You tortured her and she was asking if you were ok.

"I'm so sorry Missy" you whisper, but you know her Time Lord hearing could pick it up.

"(Y/n) can you come out so we can talk?" She tries and you swallow anxiously.

"Um maybe later" you respond, wincing as you try to rise. You make it to your knees before you fall back down, face slapping the floor painfully.

"(Y/n)?" She calls, hammering on the door. "(Y/n) what was that?" She pauses "Come out or I'm coming in!" She threatens and you begin to panic.

"No no don't!" You call dizzily, but you feel the door open as she enters.

"Oh (Y/n)" she utters, face crumpling with emotion you didn't know she held. "What have you done?"

"I've hurt so many people..." you say with your eyes closed as she seizes a towel and presses it on your arm.

"Shit love you can't do this to yourself, come on, The Doctor'll sort you out" she bends down to pick you up but you shuffle away.

"No please, she'll be so angry" you mutter sleepily and Missy stiffens.

"Not if I have anything to do with it" she vowes quietly, pulling you into her warm chest.

Despite yourself, you relax against her as she picks you up.

"I'm sorry" you say, closing your eyes painfully. You feel her moving gently down the corridors at a careful half jog so as not to disturb your injuries too much. "Jenny's going to be angry too" you realise and groan.

"No one's going to be angry my love, we just want you safe" she whispers carefully. She keeps you from feeling too much motion, and you squeeze your eyes shut when you reach the bright lights of the medbay.

"Doctor some help please" says Missy in a voice of forced calm. She takes you right to the far end and lays you gently on a bed.

Hating yourself, you grab her hand when she pulls away. You let go quickly, but she nods and settles herself into a chair next to you.

"What the hell (Y/n)!?" Exclaims The Doctor and you flinch.

"Don't, she blames herself for what happened" growls Missy and you close your eyes again.

"(Y/n) can you tell me what happened?" Asks The Doctor in a less hostile voice.

"(Y/n)?" Prompts Missy and you talk with your eyes closed.

"I've hurt so many people" you repeat under your breath. It's the only way to explain it.

"First Jenny, then you Missy, and you too Doctor, always having to pick up the pieces." You say miserably, indicating your massacred arm that she is already cleaning.

"It's alright my love I don't blame you, it was an accident. I don't think you can control it, and to be honest, I was sort of asking for it." Smiles Missy. You can't stand to hear her blame herself.

"And as for us, so long as your alive and well, I really don't mind. You don't half make my job harder, but it's worth it to have you here." Adds The Doctor, anger finally depleted.

"And me? Like I could ever blame you sweetheart." Says Jenny standing in the doorway with a pained and saddened expression.