The Batpoint Paradox

It kills me to see you like this

*Jason
It was a bad idea, I knew it was a bad idea, in fact it was downright terrible, probably one of my worst, and that's saying something coming from a guy whose made as many mistakes as I had. Yet I couldn't bring myself to turn around, to go back to my safehouse where at least one of my brother's was probably making himself at home. Most likely it'd be Dick and that'd be a good thing, I could go back now, pour my heart out, confess my whole stupid plan and he'd do what he did best and make me feel better. He'd tell me that it wouldn't be to much longer, that we'd fix this soon, I'd have my family back before I knew it and this would all just feel like some bad dream. It wasn't though, and he out of everyone knew it almost as much as me, the longer this went on the more I could see the light in his eyes dim just a little but more, he wasn't fooling me. I'd been around almost as long as Wally, and as much as it nauseates me to say it Dick and Wally are meant to be, always have been, I didn't really believe in soulmates but if I did it'd be them. Still despite all that Dick is only missing Wally, as heart wrenching as this has been for him, as empathetic and understanding as he is there's one thing he doesn't understand, one thing he can't understand.

I creeped further along the window sill I'd been perched on for who knew how long while I'd been internally battling over my next actions. I'd been kidding myself, there was no way I was going to leave, not when I was so close, not when it hurt so much.

I inched further along the old brick facade of my home until I was finally able to peak into the window I'd been dying to get to.

My heart raced and I fought tears, but I didn't care because there she was, just as beautiful as I remembered, there she was, my greatest love, the light of my life, my baby girl, Lian.

She was in her room, seated at a little play table holding court for her stuffed animals, a large teapot sat in the middle of the table, each animal had a little cup and saucer, the smile on her face as she danced around filling their cups melted my heart. After all her guests were served she poured a cup for herself, real tea, with just a hint of milk and a dash of honey, the same way Alfred had made it. That's my girl, I thought with a smile, but god I wished I was in there with her, that was where I was supposed to be, her Pappa should have been in there with her. I would have given anything just to be in there with the stuffed animals at her tea party, she'd giggle at me as I made small talk with Mr.bunny and Mrs.crocodile, and if I was lucky she'd grace me with her two missing front teeth gap smile. Then inevitably halfway through she would insist that in order for it to be a proper party, daddy had to be there too, so we'd sneak out into the living room a try to get the jump on Roy as he cleaned his arrows on the couch. He of course would hear us coming a mile away because Lian could never stop giggling, but he'd pretend to be surprised just the same, putting on an over the top performance to illustrate just how good we got him. Then he'd let himself be hauled into her room to join the party, and he'd happily drink the then cold tea and join in on my discussions with the stuffed animals while Lian giggled nonstop. Eventually her eyes would start to droop and she'd ask her Pappa to tell her another story about the silly things his brothers and sisters had gotten up to. So I'd carry her to her princess canopy bed and regale her with the latest exploits of Damien's ever growing menagerie of animals and how Stephanie tried to dye Tim's hair purple by putting hair dye in his shampoo but he found out and retaliated by hiding all the waffle irons in the manor and the safehouses. All the while Roy would watch from the doorway with a fond smile on his face, and when she was finally out, he'd come in to kiss her on the head, tuck her in and then he'd pull me from her room and into ours.

I shook my head to push the memories away, I couldn't have that now, she didn't even know who I was anymore, and neither did he. With one last lingering glance I pulled myself away from the window, away from my daughter, and grappled my way back down to the street, my eyes wet and my heart heavy. I sighed and started walking down the street until I came across a dive bar, I couldn't make the pain go away, but I knew a good way to numb it.

The lights were dim, classic rock drifted from a worn jukebox in the corner as I made my way to the bar top, sinking onto a cracked vinyl stool I ordered a whiskey and a beer ready to drink myself to the point where I didn't have to think. I only made it three drinks in before I realized that my plan to booze myself into oblivion was going to have to take a rain check on account of someone who really shouldn't have been there.

I didn't notice him until he inserted himself into my personal space, apparently I'd been wallowing too deep in self pity to be anywhere close to my normal level of observant, otherwise I'd have clocked him the moment I'd walked into the place. As a consequence I experienced the jarring feeling of being caught wildly off guard by a man who by the look of him couldn't have snuck up on Lian. My emotions warred between ecstatic, horrified, and some hazy level of supremely depressed, just when I'd though this god forsaken reality couldn't throw anything else at me, this happens.

"Oh Roy, what the hell happened?" I asked him feeling the sorrow that'd already made a home in my bones sink in just a little bit deeper.

"Huh? I don't think I recall tellin you my name handsome, have we met before?" Roy leaned in closer to me as he spoke, and my heart broke yet again as I took in the man I loved, drunk, asking if he even knew me. I knew it wasn't his fault, at least the not remembering me part, but it really didn't make it any easier to have the love of my life look at me like a complete stranger. I turned away, pinching the bridge of my nose and considering my options.

Clearly he was trying to pick me up, which would be laughable if it wasn't so damned sad, and he was obviously drunk, not as bad as I'd seen him way back when, but for a man that's even proudly clean and sober for the last five years, it was more than enough.

Oblivious to my inner turmoil, Roy leaned back into my space and my god I wanted so badly to pull him close, to let him pick me up and have his way with me, but I knew damn well that I couldn't, for so many reasons and god did it hurt.

I gave myself a few moments to savor the closeness and pretend that everything was okay, that he was just tired and we were both gonna go home, that we'd see our baby, even though she was asleep, we'd spend a few moments in her doorway, just appreciating all we had.

But everything wasn't okay, it hadn't been in awhile it he didn't even know. I squeezed my eyes shut to stave off the swell of emotion, and a few seconds later I had everything carefully locked down deep inside where it was safe. I pulled from all my training, all my experiences, and put on a blank face so I could look up at Roy again without breaking as I said,

"Alright cowboy you all paid up?"

It took him a moment but then a slow smile spread across his face and he cuddled up close to me.

"Yes sir, we getting out of here?"

I looked away as I tossed some bills on the bar top, if I wasn't so emotionally drained I might have felt a little bit bad about leading him on, as it stood, he was drunk, he needed help, and god knew I could never walk away from him when he needed me.

I pulled him towards the exit and out into the night air.

"You live close?" I questioned despite knowing damn well exactly where he lived.

Clueless Roy smiled and began towing me down the street toward what used to be our home.

Trudging after him I couldn't help the thought;

This was not the way I wanted to come home.

~A/N ~ So I finally regained my inspiration for this story! Would love to hear from you guys, comments are by fuel and I've got some good stuff coming up here😁😁