The Batpoint Paradox

What in Bane's Sweaty Ass Singlet is Going On Here

*Jason

I'd been up most of the previous night watching, okay stalking, Roy and Lian, and that was after spending every waking moment (and then some) trying to dig up a lead on Talia's possible co-conspirator(s). After coming up with that address Dickhead and replacement went to investigate, then giving in to my need to at least glimpse my family, which I'm so starved for that I took turns watching them both sleep all night, like a psycho, all I wanted was some god damned peace and quiet so I can catch up on my sleep. Of course, that was apparently way too much to ask, and it wasn't even my communicator that woke me up, that at least I'd have understood, (pretty sure I busted the damn thing when I dozed off enough to fall off Roy's roof and ended up slamming my whole right side into the brick side trying to deploy my grapnel and avoid being street pizza), but no. What actually drags me into consciousness is a defining cacophony of super teens (young adult, whatever Tim)speaking over each other in shocked, melodramatic, wayyy too loud tones. Oh and also Dick.

Unable to return to the blissful state of unconsciousness that I so desperately need, I'm forced to leave my nice, warm, cozy bed and subject myself to whatever fresh hell is going down in my god damned living room.

Slamming the door open, I stomp into the living room and glare bloody murder at each of the five occupants, even the apparently injured Tim, (what it's not like he died or anything).

"What in Bane's sweaty ass singlet is going on in here! Is it really too much to let an undead, former crime boss, vigilante sleep in peace? In my own god damned safehouse?? Really replacement, do you not have anywhere else to do whatever the hell this is with your dumb Young Titian, teen- justice, whatever, the knockoff tween team you formed to copy Dickface, friends?" I snap angrily, my entrance blessedly shutting them all the hell up, at least for the moment as they all just kind of stare at me. Even Dick and Tim appear slightly surprised by my outburst, why, I don't know, this is all pretty in character for me, like really what do they expect?

It's dead silent for a few tense moments before Dick starts laughing his spandex-covered ass off, a somewhat disturbing sight considering the fact that he's still rocking the full cape and cowl.

Between his giggles, Dick manages to wheeze out a question. "Good god Little Wing, just when I think I've heard it all, Bane..ha, ha, good god, it's so dumb but yet strangely evocative, rude for making us all picture that though, by the way."

I shrug, "It's what I do. But for real, why is the junior, junior, Justice League in my living room? Oh, and what the hell happened to replacement? You look like one of Roy's training dummies after he's done testing his new arrows, so who shishkabobed you this time? Did you two have a run-in with mamma demon, bman, baby-mamma? If so, please tell me the bitch- I don't usually resort to calling women sexist names like that, but for her, bitch is me being nice - looks worse than Tim-tam here?" I question hopefully.

Tim snorts, "Unfortunately no, apparently Talia is working with Deathstroke, he caught us by surprise and managed to tranq Wing before we even knew he was there. I held my own against him for a while, though it became pretty clear afterward that he'd just been toying with me. There was a whole villain monologue, lots of name-dropping, a little storytelling, I think he may have actually complimented me at one point, which, ugh, I really don't need that. Anyway, long story short apparently Kon, Cassie, and Bart had been spying on us and witnessed the whole thing, oh and I took a Kryptonite dagger for Kon and had to explain why on earth Red Robin, the 'supervillain' or whatever, would do such a thing. So now Kon knows everything and B-Wing and I were just attempting to fill Cassie and Bart in as well."

I raise a quizzical brow, "Okay, sure, why not. That's all fine and dandy, but you're totally leaving something out, spill."

Tim blanches, his already too pale skin going even whiter, Dick snickers softly and the most interestingly, Superboy, Conner, or something I think, starts blushing faintly. For a few moments, no one answers me, but after eyeing Tim and Conner warily, blonde wonder girl, Cassie something, speaks up.

"Well I'm not sure if you already know this or not, but Tim, Red Robin, whoever he really is, forgot to mention the fact that he and Conner have been dating for the past several years, cause that's not insane or anything. Really, people, we need some answers here, every word out of you people's mouths just leaves me with more questions."

I don't really hear what she says after Tim has been dating Conner, for years, ha! I knew Timberly wasn't actually the only straight Robin, five for five baby, I cannot believe how gay this fucking family is, honestly it's like the one redeeming quality we have.

"I knew it, I knew I was right, that's it, the Robin mantle is like a god damned gay magnet, actually the whole batfamily is like a cornucopia of gay. Really it's totally possible that Bruce is the only totally straight bat-well as far as we know... Oh, Timmy, we're gonna have so much fun at pride this year! I wonder if the demon will let me do his makeup this year, his eyeliner was honestly so sloppy last year, really Lian could have done a better line. Oh and maybe Dickface can keep this Batsuit and we can paint it rainbow and cover it in sparkles!" I whooped, can't always do what they expect, besides, there's always time to mock Timmy's relationship later.

"Uh...That, I really don't know what to do with that, so I'm just gonna move on and reiterate what I've been saying this whole time, so again, I ask, no, I demand, that one of you obnoxiously attractive apparently very gay, *of course*, men, EXPLAIN WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!" Wonderchick bursts out in an increasingly shrill voice, glaring at us while Bart just nods his head next to her.

Dickface and replacement look at each other apparently attempting to communicate telepathically or whatever. Annoyed and ready to end this crap so I can go back to bed, I start talking again before tweedle-dee or Tweddle-dick can sort out what I can only imagine is a needlessly long-winded, over-complicated speech.

"Christ, whatever, okay, listen up dumb-justice cause I'm only gonna say all this once, I've gotten less sleep this week than replacement on a case bender, so here's the deal; This reality we're in right now, and all your memories of it are wrong, this crazy bitch Talia al Ghul-who happens to be the mother of our youngest brother whom you know right now as Robin, went back in time with the help of Slade Wilson and some yet to be identified evil speedster, and changed something major in history, resulting in this clusterfuck of a shit show. My brother's and I are actually former/current, sidekicks, now vigilantes, all taken in and trained by an emotionally stunted billionaire, Bruce Wayne, who instead of getting therapy like a normal person, dresses up like a bat and fights crime to cope with the untimely death of his parents when he was a child. Talia went back in time and saved them, thus erasing The Batman, who is also a founding member of the JLA, from the timeline, along with the vigilante identities of us, his former proteges. Oh and Dickface here, whose actual alias is Nightwing, formerly Robin number one, founded the first teen-titans with his now-husband, Wally West, yes he's gay, yes I'm sure, I was at the wedding. So them, along with what's that aqua dork's name again?... Right, Tempest, Garth something or another, formerly Aqualad one, Donna Troy when she was Wondergirl, and of course, the love of my life who currently thinks he's a single alcoholic mess again...thanks Talia, Roy Harper. Timmy over here was the third Robin, he replaced me after I was murdered by the Joker...........Who is still alive in the real timeline.......humf, whatever, anyway Timbernathy went and met you three idiots and formed his own team of junior, junior, sidekicks, yadda yadda, I was dead then, well semi-catatonic, semantics, any way you all were teen-titians when I made my grand return from the dead and tried to slit his throat in titans tower...In my defense, I was more than half out of my mind and you guys did stop me, so thanks. I think that about covers it, oh wait, right, the reason we know about the real timeline and you guys don't is because some extradimensional imp, entity, whatever, something, the being, pulled us out of space and time, gave us our gear, well Tim, Damien and my gear and a Dick Grayson sized Batsuit, and told us we needed to fix this shit. Then he dumped us here with a bunch of friends and family who had no idea who we were. And apparently, a Superboy that finally confirmed suspicions we've all had for years about Timbo's sexuality...And also you guys' friendship, Kori totally owes me twenty bucks now, so that's something at least...Okay, I did my part, do with that what you will, just do me a favor and go do it somewhere else, I swear this is the last time I let you turds use one of my safehouses..."