The Batpoint Paradox

You Go I Go

*Wally

"I'm so sorry Wally."
Dick's words have the same affect as being doused by a bucket of freezing cold water. Just like that the rational part of my brain is roused from its slumber and the reality of what just happened floods in.
I can hear my own pulse thundering wildly in my ears, and feel my lungs begin to seize as the panic sets in. On autopilot, I jerk away from the man pinned beneath me, even though every cell in my body is screaming at me to do the opposite. The soul deep, gut wrenching pain I feel upon seeing the hurt in his eyes doing so causes is just not something I can handle in this moment.
Too much, too much, too much- everything about this is just way too much!

"I-I-I'm..I'm not....I'm not...No, I don't -I'm not-" I sputter out frantically, tripping over my words, as I try to make him understand- what I need to make him understand, but I can't even bring myself to actually say those words out loud, hell I've never even let myself think them.

I turn my head to the side and pick a spot on the wall to stare intently at as I find myself rooted to the ground where I stand, unable to walk away from him but unwilling to meet his piercing blue gaze anymore. I can't bring myself to look at his impossibly beautiful face, with his expressive , captivating, lips and those sad but unnervingly intelligent, quietly, knowing eyes. Those eyes that seem to peer down into the very depths of my being, like somehow he's staring down parts of me that I'd never even let myself see. And yet he had done so without so much as a single blink, it felt as though he not only saw all my inner demons, but like he saw them and then greeted them like they were old friends.

Which is crazy. And yet...

"It's okay Wally, I get it, you're okay, everything is okay, you don't need to say or do anything, I know what you're tying to say, it's okay, I know." Dick gently reassures me, his tone soft, and full of patience and genuine understanding.

And by god, I don't know how, but inexplicably, against all reason, I believe him. I somehow believe he really truly does understand. This man, who I am certain I have not ever had even one, real, substantial conversation with. A man who I only really knew as a casual acquaintance, or a friend of a friend, at best the foster brother of a friend, whom I have never shared anything remotely personal with. Yet I feel like he does understand, that he knows the truth about my fear, that somehow he knows why I'm afraid- something that should be all but impossible. But the feeling does give me the courage to turn back towards Dick and look him in the eyes once again, somehow less terrified of how transparent his fiercely sharp, to perceptive gaze makes me feel.

I realize now though that this isn 't the first time he has looked at me in that way, now that I've identified it I know that for months now it's been there in his eyes every single time he looked at me. That intense, passionate stare that shined with an inexplicable, yet deeply profound sense of intimate familiarity that goes far, far beyond the simple surface level attraction I'd written all those charged looks off as. Yes they had been less open, less intense, more subdued and guarded, but now that I've placed the deeper emotion fueling them, it's unmistakable.

"I am so sorry Wally." He repeats his earlier sentiment, his voice straining and those expressive eyes of his full of regret.
I stay silent.
I can't even move.
I'm paralyzed by the warring emotions battling it out for supremacy inside of me.
I'm torn.

I screw my eyes shut and try to take deep breaths and get myself under control, but only succeeding in clenching my fists and grinding my teeth while the opposing forces inside me continue to wage war.

Every other experience I remember in my life so far, every image of who I'm supposed to be, of what I'm supposed to do and how I need to act, everything that I believed made me, me, demands that do what I do best and run. I should get the hell out of here right now and run as fast and as far away from this moment, from this man, and never, ever look back.
If I go now, right now, then nothing has to change, I can call the league and let them sort this mess out. Maybe cash in all that vacation I've got saved up, and spirit Donna away to some far off exotic paradise. The perfect opportunity for me to man up and do what I've been putting off for years while that tiny little rock that had cost almost a full years worth of my salary sat collecting dust as I made excuse after excuse about why it wasn't the right time yet. I'm pretty sure she'll say yes considering how long we've been together and the little comments she drops every so often about speedy little warrior babies. I'm so close now to having everything I've ever wanted, my mother would undoubtedly be thrilled, she's always wanted a daughter, and both my parents adore Donna, I mean why wouldn't they? She's basically the perfect woman, beautiful, smart, funny, not to mention insanely powerful and a Demi goddess  to boot, any parent would be over the moon to be blessed a daughter- in -law like Donna Troy, The Wondergirl. Yeah, marrying Donna and starting a family with her would likely be the greatest accomplishment of my entire existence as far as he is concerned, I could make him proud for once, like a real man. Everything could be perfect, my life would  be exactly the way it's supposed to be, the way it should be, it would be so easy, and I would be happy because I would have everything a man could want to live a good life. A normal life, or as close to it as someone like me can get.