赤 - RED.

𝟎𝟕

calm

Dazai woke up feeling dizzy, sick, like he was going to throw up.

he remembered his dream, more like a memory, and a tear slipped down his cheek.

he misses him so much.

the constant pain in his chest was still there, it never actually goes away.

a sob left his mouth, muttering a little "Odasaku" under his breath while digging his nails on his arms.

he didn't want to cry, he was so sick of crying. but he couldn't help it. it hurts. it hurts so much.

he got up, and started looking through his drawer.

when he found it he let out a relieved sigh.

passing it along his skin felt good, right. red, red and more red. warm. it helped him make himself feel better, the emotional agony suddenly replaced by a throbbing, burning pain in his arms. deeper, calmer.

and he laughed. he laughed while tears fell down his face.

he was so fucked up.

he looked at himself in the mirror, another sob left his lips.

"I'm sorry", he said whispering.

-

it was sunday, so he didn't have to go to work. he spent the day doing absolutely nothing, laying on his couch and listening to classical music, cello specifically.

this one reminded him of Fyodor, his friend? he doesn't even know what they were, but he enjoyed listening to him play for him.

he sighed and got up, looking for some booze to drink. he smiled when he found a whisky bottle and went back to the couch.

he drank until he couldn't even breath well, the alcohol in his system making him feel better mentally but worse physically.

he ran to the bathroom and threw up all he could, even though he haven't eat in almost two days now.

his shirt was dirty now, his hands and his floor too. he regained consciousness, feeling sober now and flinched away, looking disgusted at himself.

Dazai filled the bathtub with water, undressed and got in.

-

Dazai breathed in and out, trying to calm himself and forget about his filthy being. he rubbed and rubbed his legs, arms, chest, trying his best to feel cleaner; but nothing worked.

he pulled his hair, desperate, his breathing unsteady. he dove into the water and stayed still.

the water felt like silk against his skin, soft, yet heavy, like the burden he always had.

he opened his eyes, the water did not let him see well, but he could still see some flashes of lights above this.

some of them were yellow, some were orange. all of them sparkled like stars. Dazai smiled and closed his eyes again.

the water was starting to burn in his lungs, but he remained calmed.

the water was heavier and heavier every time, but he felt just fine.