赤 - RED.

𝟐𝟎

salvation

Black, white, sometimes read and then, it repeats. He can hear the fast beating of his heart in his head, he can feel the blood running through his veins, rushing to get to his heart and then, repeat the action — seeming as the only constant thing in his life right now.

The darkness in the room is slowly swallowing him, it grabs him by the ankles and pulls him down hard. He is drowning, it is as if the darkness is entering through his every pore, reaching his throat and obstructing the passage of air. It feels like water surrounding him, it keeps pushing him down and the pressure is making his head throb.

His knees feel weak and he can feel his legs shaking. The ground that is supposed to be under him — supporting him —, was never there apparently. He is floating, suspended in mid-air without something to hold onto and it is all his fault.

His vision is blurry, the room is spinning and he is sure he can still see a faint red dot walking away. The air in the room is slowly running away from him too, leaving his lungs so he has to gasp, trying to reach forward for it.

It is funny how a simple task such as breathing is becoming harder and harder every time.

He has to cough, the lack of air in his lungs is burning and it feels like it is tearing him apart from the inside. He can feel the air surrounding him as if he was in a bubble, but it refuses to enter his system and make him work.

All he can see is dark suffocating him but he does not have the will to fight back, to try and stop it.

It is hard, it burns, it stings in his skin like hot water, as if he is soaking in it, he is soggy in fear of being left alone again but he does not want to do something about it because he thinks he knows better than to run, cry and beg.

He is so used to it by now, but why does it feels like the first time? Why does he feels like that five-year-old again, feeling nothing but pure terror of feeling lonely? Why does it feel like if someone inside him took his heart kindly in their hands just to rip it apart with no mercy?

Why does it hurt so much?

Everything around him kept moving — he could still hear his upstairs neighbours loudly laughing, he could still hear some dogs barking in the distance, he could still hear the motorcycles outside his apartment —, because what he was feeling did not actually matter, it was not important enough to stop everything and give him a break. It never was.

Red, in one way or another, had taken everything away from him at some point in his life and this felt just like the others. His everything was tearing apart and he could not bear another second in his skin because it felt somewhat oversensitive, another blow of air and he would break. It hurts to breathe, but he is till gasping for air, coughing about the way it stings in his lungs but he cannot do anything about it.

There is no blood this time, though he feels that it should be and maybe he could do something about that, but it feels all the same.

Is this a punishment? What have I done wrong?

But he knows that there are many things he has done wrong, that maybe he could have done better.

It is red. It is red that is blocking his sight to something reachable, tangible. Always there, one way or another, this time, it's palpable in his left arm. It is running down his forearm just like water, glistening in an attractive way so Dazai cannot take his eyes off of it, he wants more.

More, and now is running down his right arm too.

More, and it is his legs now.

More, more and more, and he is starting to feel numb again.

He wants it to stop.

He cries out, hurting his throat, it is a hoarse scream begging for help. He hopelessly tries to stop the flow with his hands but these ones do not comply. He can't move and so, he cries.

He does not know if either his whole body is rotting in pain or if he does not feel anything at all. He has certainly gone mad.

Tears keep streaming down his face but he laughs. He laughs in pain just as he has done many times before because he does not know how to cope.

Mother, Odasaku, Chuuya... I'm sorry.

But he is not, well, he does not know. Right now, even if he is terrified, he still finds it amusing, how fucked up he is.

He used to think that humanity was something beyond salvation but maybe, it was just him. But that though alone is cocky, too much weight for him to take alone. Maybe he just is full of himself.

Time stops. It is not the first time it has happened but it is the first time he is grateful for it — it stops the unbearable pain just for some seconds and he thinks, he can still call for help, he can still get help.

But does he want to? The painful answer, the honest, sincere answer that Dazai refuses to see, is no.

I am beyond salvation.

-

That would be all from me!! I hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading.

I hope we meet again soon!!