Bucky's Diary

August 4, 1950

Will I Make It Out Alive – Tommee Profitt (ft. Jessie Early)
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Dear Diary,

I don't think I've ever been more confused in my whole life.

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"Cолдат (soldier)," the man approached me. I met his gaze. "Welcome back to the land of the living."

I scrunched my eyes at him. "I was dead?"

"No, солдат (soldier)," he chuckled. "You were in suspended animation."

"For how long?" I rubbed my head to try and get rid of the headache that was brewing.

"5 years, 3 months, 1 week, 5 days, 6 hours and 24 minutes, approximately," he answered without hesitation.

5 years.

I let that swirl around in my head. I was frozen for five years and I didn't age one bit; this feels so unreal right now.

I never really believed in God, even growing up practicing religion, but stuff like this feels impossible without some sort of higher power guiding the way. There's no other way I could've made it out alive.

They led me into another room and sat me down in a chair. I was seated in a circle with a few other people that I don't remember having seen before, though, I don't seem to have the memory I used to for whatever reason. Maybe it's the cryofreeze, or maybe it's the frequency of brainwashing and electrocution.

"Добро пожаловать, солдаты. Вы все должны меня узнать, но, вероятно, не поймете почему (welcome, soldiers. You should all recognize me, but not probably will not know why)," the man started, surveying the room of us locked to these metal chairs. "Вы были выбраны в качестве специальных агентов HYDRA из-за ваших уникальных способностей (you have been selected to be special agents for HYDRA because of your unique abilities)."

He walked into the center of the circle and looked at each of us, a strange smile planted upon his face. "Мы собираемся оставить вас здесь на несколько минут, чтобы вы могли узнать о происхождении и способностях друг друга (we are going to leave you here together for a few minutes so that you can learn of each other's origins and abilities)," he went on. "Пожалуйста, проведите это время вместе, поскольку человеческий контакт больше не гарантируется (please take this time together, as human contact is no longer guaranteed)."

He walked away and closed the door behind him, locking it immediately thereafter.

"Hi," a woman started nervously, looking at each of us as if she wasn't sure who might snap that very instant.

"Hi," I answered, trying to smile at her to give her hope. "What's your name?" I asked instinctually.

I watched her expression go blank. "Солдат (soldier)."

The others and I exchanged a look. "Do you know what's going on here?" the guy next to me asked, afraid. "Because that- that's a result of brainwashing. Does anyone remember their name?"

I thought about it for a minute. I don't think I could have said my name even if I had remembered it, which, I didn't. We all agreed that we didn't remember our names.

"Does anyone know where they're from?" I wondered. "Or anyone they used to know?"

"No," the girl answered, snapping out of a daze. "I- I don't remember anything."

"I don't think any of us do, if that makes it any better," a man next to her replied.

"Is anyone else seeing things in greyscale?" I went on.

"Only after I'm brainwashed," the man replied again. "Yea, almost every time. The colors slowly come back though, that's how I keep track of how much time it's been since the last time they wiped my memory."

That's smart, I should try that- if I remember to.

"So, what do they want us to talk about?" the woman asked.

"This, probably," another woman answered from my other side. "They want us to get freaked out by these horror stories and scenarios."

"I have a feeling this isn't even the worst of it yet," I said.

"What do you mean?" the second woman said.

"I don't know, this just seems like a 'last hoorah' before something terrible happens," I made a face. "I just don't feel good about it."

"What's with your arm?" the guy next to me questioned.

I looked down at it. "I don't entirely know," I told him. "I know I fell, I think out of a train, and when they found me... my arm from right above the elbow was severed from my body. When I got back here, they cut the rest of it off and gave me this new one."

"So is that your ability then?" the first woman asked.

"I guess so, I don't know what else it would be," I answered, knowing there wasn't anything particularly special about me anyway.

"Does anyone else feel... different somehow to the person they used to be but can't seem to remember what that person felt like?" the guy across from me cut in.

"Yea," the second woman said. "Bigger and taller- almost stronger and faster, if that makes sense."

"It does," I confirmed. "I feel it too. Did you guys get injected with something when you were first brought here? A syringe of blue liquid, I think."

"Now that you mention it, I do remember something like that," the guy next to me added. "Yea."

"I get a feeling that that's what changed us," I said, looking around at the room of ridiculously muscular humans around me.

"How long have you been here?" the second woman asked me, impressed by my strange knowledge of everything.

"I don't know for certain, but I think almost 6 years," I replied. "Most of it in cryo."

They told me that most of them had only been there 2 or 3 years maximum, some only here for a few months.

"So, have you been on missions yet?" the man next to me wondered.

I nodded.

"We've only been allowed to do group missions aside from daily training- Which one's did you get assigned?" he went on.

"Mussolini, Hitler and Braun so far," I said, surprised that they hadn't done any solo missions in 3 years when I did my first one after three months.

They all looked at me, shocked.

"I thought the Hitler-Braun thing was a double suicide," the first woman spoke out, making me realize that HYDRA doesn't tell the other soldiers about each of our individual missions.

That there's even secrets even between all of us.

"That's what HYDRA instructed me to do; to make it look like a suicide/homicide or double suicide," I explained.

"Was he scary?" she asked.

"Not after I took his gun," I smiled. "And shot him in the head with it."

They all laughed, but I didn't.

And I never said another word.

Did I just smile? Did I just say that?

Sure, he was responsible for the deaths of so, so many... but does that make it okay, the way I said that?

Seriously, did I just gloat about shooting someone in the head with their own gun?

What's happening to me- what are they doing to me?

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And why do I feel no remorse?

~ солдат 3255-7038