Bucky's Diary

January 13, 2004

Psycho – AViVA
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Dear Diary,

Since we talked about my nightmares, they seem to be getting a little it better. I mean, yes, there's some improvement from what they once were at their height, but they're still happening. What I mean by improvement, is that they aren't as terrifying as they once were. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm not shaking or sweating, I'm just startled.

I think this is because Natalia explained to me her faith in herself to get me out of a mind-control episode. I believe in her because I got her out of one, so it's believable to think she'd capable of the same thing.

Even still, I spend most nights sleeplessly. I certainly go to sleep at my normal time and try to get as much sleep out of it as possible, but I almost always wake up earlier than usual. Luckily, at this point, I've gotten used to the constant waking up and fitful nights, so I stay up and do something else.

The extra time has served me well.

I've been able to dedicate real time to creating lessons for the Widows and have had more time to think about my purpose and write about it in my diary. I've spent time strengthening my mind, thinking about memories I've made since I've been here in the hopes that, if HYDRA ever takes hold of me again, I'll have a stronger hold on the memories they try and take from me.

I'm not sure if that'll work or if it's simply a lost cause, but I don't think it can hurt to try. Anything's worth a shot if it means pretending to be mind-controlled when I'm really acting on free will.

Damn, that'll be the day I'm truly free.

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Today was supposed to be a normal day training. At least I woke up thinking as much.

Yet, this seemingly average Tuesday turned out to be much different than I anticipated.

Anya dropped by my room early this morning after I'd gotten fully dressed in my fighting clothes to tell me that, instead of fight practice today like usual, she decided this week we'd be going back to basics.

She knocked on the door and slid it open all in one motion. "Good morning Agent Baranov, I apologize for the intrusion."

I turned to face her, seeing that she hadn't stepped foot in my room and had only peeked her head through a small crack she'd made in the door. "No worries at all, Headmistress. Good morning, can I assist you with something?"

"Yes," she nodded her head. "It appears that one of the potential Widows in an upper age class, namely the 19-year group, has forgotten some crucial aspects of the training we focus on in their younger years."

"That sounds terrible," I commented, directing a concerned face at her.

"Indeed, it is," she agreed, frowning. "Fortunately, this is why we train. This week I've called for a change in plans from the usual."

"In what sense?" I wondered.

"I'm glad you asked, Agent Baranov," she smiled at me. "The under-10 potential Widows train solely in ballet to hone in on their balance, patience, and form. This is the area 19-year-old Viktoria reminded me that we should all be practicing. After all, a small touch up in the basics never hurt anyone."

"Of course, I would have to agree, Headmistress," I answered, smiling at her.

"Yes," she replied. "Now, today will be a day for the girls to brush up on their skills on their own so that they might figure out in what, exactly, they're lacking. The rest of the week, through Sunday the eighteenth, will be group ballet training with you there to answer their questions. Yes?"