Bucky's Diary

October 26, 2003

Get ready (Ready For This) – The EverLove
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Dear Diary,

It seems that, recently, Natalia has been sneaking into my room every few days. Certainly I don't mind, I just hate the idea that each time she comes here, we risk getting caught doing something punishable by who knows what.

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Tonight, unlike the others, I knew she was coming. 23:15 sharp, she told me, and that was exactly when she arrived.

"Bonum vespere, James (good evening, James)," she closed and locked the door behind her.

"Quare sunt (why are)-"

"Cur non (why not)?" she cut me off.

"Because Latin is a dead language," I replied. "People literally haven't spoken it since 476 A.D."

"But it's fun," she smiled. "What language would you prefer, then, if not Latin?"

"Well, I like Latin-based languages and Slavic Based Languages," I told her. "The way they each sound brings them an individually, unrivaled characteristic."

"Like, how Russian can sound harsh while Italian can sound romantic?" she clarified.

"Esattamente (exactly)," I answered.

"Hai ragione (you're right)," she replied. "L'italiano ha quella... cadenza (Italian has that... cadence)."

"Lo so (I know)," I chuckled. "Ecco perché è una delle mie preferite (that's why it's one of my favorites)."

"Ma, ci sono altre che hanno lo stesso effetto (but, there are others that have that same effect)," she pointed out. "Come il francese, per esempio (like French, for example)."

"Préféreriez-vous que je vous parle en français avec cet incontournable, comment dites-vous (would you rather I speak to you in french with that unavoidable, how do you say it)?" I returned. "Chaleur étouffante (sultriness)?"

I stood and approached her, dragging my finger across her jawline. "Par opposition à quoi, exactement (as opposed to what, exactly)?"

"La chiara cadenza della lingua italiana romantica (the clear cadence of the romantic Italian language)," I detailed. "Vous voyez, le français est plus séduisant que romantique (you see, French is more seductive than romantic)."

"Se mi stai chiedendo se preferirei essere corteggiata o sedotta, la risposta è entrambe (if you're asking me whether I'd prefer to be romanced or seduced, the answer is both)."

"Allora lo saranno entrambi (then it shall be both)," I leaned my face down to hers and kissed her on the lips, holding it for a moment before walking back to my bed.

She waited for me to sit down so that she might sit on top of me, whispering in my ear "non mi piacerebbe altro che pomiciare con te in questo momento (I would like nothing more than to make out with you right now)."

I chuckled to myself, "anch'io (me too)."

"Allora, inizia (then, start)," she directed, both of her hands resting at either side of my face.

My lips met hers and immediately it felt as if her body was riding on top of mine on purpose- purposeful waves of heat rushing through my veins trying to awaken this beast within me that was better off staying asleep. Once he saw the light of day, there was no stopping him and we were well on our way to welcoming him into this world again.

I caught myself humming with pleasure into her mouth within minutes as, clearly she'd gotten me hard, and clearly she was riding me as if we were naked, which clearly we weren't just yet. Somehow, she was doing an amazing job rubbing herself on me that I felt like I might not make it out of this situation without, well, you know.

"Ho una domanda per te (I have a question for you)," she pulled back and whispered.

"Che cos'è (what is it)?" I answered eagerly, awaiting a reply.

"In the past, just out of curiosity," she started anew in English instead of jokingly in another language, making me realize that perhaps this was a serious question. "Have you ever been in a romantic relationship before?"

"Uh-" I stopped talking and tried to collect my thoughts. While I didn't know what she was going to ask, I certainly was not expecting anything along those lines.

After not really saying anything for a few minutes, she jumped in. "If you're not comfortable talking about it, we don't have to."

"No, no," I stopped her. "It's not that, really, it's not. I just- I'm not sure."

"Not sure of what?" she came back.

"I mean I'm not sure that I remember enough about who I used to be to have an answer for you," I explained. "I'd love to have an answer for you and for myself, but to be honest, I really don't remember anything before the fall. Anything at all."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"No, it's good, it gets me thinking," I comforted her. "And, now that I'm thinking about it, I think I have."

"You have what?" she wondered.

"I think I've been in a relationship before," I said. "I don't know with whom or when or how long it lasted or literally any details about it, but I do feel like I know a good amount about what to do and what not to do... enough to safely say that I've done it before."

She nodded her head.

"Have you?" I returned the same question.

"I- no, not really," she stopped herself from explaining.

"Oh," I answered. "okay."

"Well, at least not like this."

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Now that she asked, I'm curious.

I've always wondered about who I used to be, but I never let it bother me until today. The whole point of that was to avoid further pain. I knew that trying to uncover the mystery of 'me' would be a bad idea because it would only show me how deep I am into HYDRA's mind control.

I don't want that.

I've always been happy living my current reality and figuring out what I once was and have always had the potential to be again after so many years seems dangerous. I don't know if it's a good idea to plunge those two personalities together.

For all I know, Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes could have been a completely different person than I am today.

~ James