Bucky's Diary

February 29, 2004

Contact High – CAPPA
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Dear Diary,

Today was cold outside, but there was no snow. Surprisingly, there hasn't been any snow this week at all and the ground is mostly (dead) grass. It's better for training this way, as we get to train in our normal suits, not our Stealth Snow Suits, though I do miss the weather. I always like it when it snows.

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I decided that it would be a good idea to spend the next ten days with each potential Widow individually. While we did this, the other nine Widows in my age group would practice training together in the main gym on their own, though still properly within sight of other trainers who would be certain that they were still doing what they're supposed to.

First, I made sure to ask Anya's permission on the matter in order to be certain that she didn't have any plans that intersected with mine.

After I got the okay, I started down the line of girls from the top. Today was the last day, the one day I'd been looking forward to for the past nine: Natalia's and my solo training.

"Good morning, Agent Baranov," she greeted me with a smile as I approached her in the main gym.

"Natalia, good morning, this way please," I directed her to follow me out.

Without another word, she did as she was told, as we were under the eyes and ears of all the other Agents and Widows in the gym at the moment. Once we reached the doorway, I pushed it open and we were both hit with a massive rush of cold air.

We walked far out to the edge of the nearby woods so that we were far enough from any obstacles that may interfere with today's training.

"Is this where you brought all the Widows?" she asked with a smirk plastered on her face, clearly implying something with the tone of her voice.

"No," I was honest and smirked back. "For them, we were far closer to the school than we are right now."

"Well, then why are we so far from it?"

"To remain out of sight from prying eyes, of course," I smiled. "Though, we do have to actually practice today."

"Yea yea, I know," she rolled her eyes. "I figured as much. Though, I can just visit you after hours to get what I want."

"To get what you want?" I squinted my eyes at her. "What exactly do you want?"

She shrugged. "That's for me to know, and for you to dot, dot, dot," she motioned a dot, dot, dot in the air with a pointed finger and a smirk on her face even still.

I sighed. "Or maybe I already know," I came back.

"Mmmm, if you do..." she took a few steps closer to me, closing in on the five foot difference between us. "It's a damn shame you haven't done anything about it yet."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Don't tempt me," I whispered as I grabbed her waist and pulled her in. "I'll do everything you speak of and more than you could ever imagine."

"I don't believe you," she bit her lip, trying to get a rise out of me.

"Then you must not feel how hard I am through these thick pants, because I meant every word."

Her eyes widened as she took in a quick breath but said nothing.

I brought my hands up to her face and passionately kissed her, immediately delving my tongue into her mouth and forcing a hum to pass from her throat to my lips. She tasted sweet, like vanilla and warm sugar and I wanted to devour her in broad daylight.

I pulled back and she looked at me, confused, trying to read what was going on in my head. "What?" she asked.

I shook my head. "I- can't."

"Why?" she came back. "Can't what?"

"Kiss you like that when we're somewhere too cold for us to- er, somewhere too open, where literally anyone could see us, I mean," I stumbled, correcting myself.

"Back up. Somewhere too cold for us to what, exactly?" she looked into my eyes almost expressionless but I knew what she was thinking because it was the exact same thing I was thinking.

I ignored her comment entirely, "fuck, Natalia, don't look a-"

"Why not?" she licked her lips and looked at mine. Her hands wrapped around my neck and pulled my lips back onto hers. I grabbed her hips and pulled her body onto mine, even allowing my hands to slip lower than I should have. "Mmmm," she pulled her lips centimeters away from mine. "I feel it now, pushing against my abdomen," she chuckled. "Doesn't like being so... restrained, huh?"

I closed my eyes and exhaled, shivering and wondering if it was from the cold or from her words. "Natalia, please."

"Please?" she questioned, lightly kissing my lips. "Please," she said again, quieter, this time kissing the corner of my lip and moving along my jaw over to my ear. "Please," she whispered breathily into my ear, biting at my earlobe and kissing my neck.

I dug my fingers into her hips, making her inhale sharply, almost in pain. Her eyes met mine and, ugh, I must look so horny right now, the way I'm looking at her. My brain filling with thoughts and images and sounds- help me, I can't take this anymore.

I shook my head once her eyes were on me, but she seemed to have other ideas in mind. Her fingers ran through my hair and I couldn't think or breathe or do anything else other than want her.

"Why are you doing this?" She looked at me like doing what would be the next thing to come out of her mouth. "You know, making me so... making me- damn it, you know I want you, don't you?"

"And I, you," she answered. "I know you want me and trust that I want you, too, James," she leaned closer and whispered to me. "I want you so bad-"

"I know the feeling," I snickered, my lips brushing on hers. "I've felt it nearly every day since I've laid eyes on you, and it's only getting stronger," I paused and closed my eyes. "I just want to- I need to- I- I can't even say it."

"Why not?" her palm met my jaw.

"Because it's incredibly vulgar, salacious... lewd... outlandish, even, in some ways. Just lustful in the most animalistic and primal possible way- unimaginably concupiscent-"

"Then don't say it," she interrupted my rambling with a kiss. "Don't bother, I already know."

"You do?"

"Yes, I know exactly," she bit her lip. "So, don't say it, don't make it real until it happens, because it will."

I looked at her with a new lens. Hope. "It w-"

"Shhhh," her finger sat upon my lip, so I kissed it.

Eventually, her finger moved away and I kissed her lips again and again and again.

"Natalia," I interrupted after a long while.

"Mmm?"

"The training- our slot is out of time," I informed her.

"At least we practiced one skill," she smirked. "And determined a few other matters."

I smiled. "C'mon, let's head back inside."

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Tonight I went to sleep without seeing her. She didn't stop by and it was on purpose, she knew I wanted to see her so that's exactly why she never showed up.

I went to sleep early so I didn't have to think about it, but that only forced me into dreaming about her.

When I woke up, it was at 2:56 and a heat tore through my muscles like euphoria. It wasn't until after that feeling faded that I realized I came in my underwear from that damned dream, whatever it was about. Not that I could remember for the life of me.

After cleaning myself up, I felt asleep again and didn't wake again until the morning.

~ James