Bucky's Diary

October 14, 1967

Down – Jason Walker
—————•—————

Dearest Diary,

I did something stupid today.

I thought I knew this place like the back of my hand; the key word in that sentence being 'thought.'

To be honest, I only wanted a taste of freedom, which, looking back, I suppose I did end up getting in the end. Though, after a taste, I inevitably wanted more and that was not something I ended up getting.

See, I sort of tried to break out of this hell hole today, to be more specific, I initiated my 'master plan' at daybreak. Obviously, HYDRA's agents were one step ahead of me, just like they always somehow seem to be, and were watching my door.

They couldn't have known it was coming, right? I mean, I never mentioned it and I've been on top of everything they've assigned me to do thus far, so they couldn't have possibly been suspicious in any sense of the word.

Yet, there I was, isolated, in this foreign room all over again.

There was nothing in that really, really small room other than me. I sat on the cold floor in nothing but my underwear and thought about the things I felt like I had known for a while now. Clearly, there was no way for me to differentiate between old or new memories, beliefs and ideals because that's a side effect, something I refer to as a brain fog, that cryo-freezing and memory manipulation implements purposefully into us soldiers. All I can do is base my assumptions of chronology on the strength, or mental grasp, I have upon each individual memory, using this as a measuring device to place memories at certain points within my life, and hope for the best.

God, for example, the man in the sky watching over us, the one to which we send our prayers and in which we believe as something better than ourselves. I get this very, very strong feeling that I held a firm faith in God from rather early stages in my life, that I've spent hours upon hours throughout my entire existence believing in Him and even, maybe, praying to Him.

I'm not sure how I get all of that from a simple bodily feeling, a hunch, but I do; and I've learned to trust my instincts after I've failed miserably multiple times after not doing so.

I know for certain I've prayed since I've been here, maybe only because I was desperate and hoping for the best... I needed a miracle and hoped that maybe God would be that something, especially given my extraordinarily unusual circumstances. No matter what I said I'd do or what I offered in return for my freedom, I never heard His voice like I expected I would. I know people say miracles occur when they hear the voice of God, but I've never heard it myself- maybe it's because I'm already a lost cause. Maybe He hates me and thinks I should know how much I've already displeased Him. Perhaps it's a sign to turn to something else, or stop trying entirely.

Does this make me one of those people that talks about my youth spent believing in Him in a longing way or a thankful-for-it-to-be-over way? I've pondered this a lot recently, if turning away from God would be something I'd later regret or for which I'd be grateful. But, thinking about it, is it even turning away from Him if I don't recall ever turning to Him? In other words, I don't remember anything before HYDRA, so does not following something I used to follow make me a bad person?

It's interesting to think about.

I mean, really, what proof do we have that He's real? I don't know anyone personally that I can remember that has ever witnessed a miracle and I certainly haven't witnessed one myself. The apostles are dead, Jesus is too (if He even was who He said He was), and we have no living person around to preach directly His word. And don't even get me started on the logic of the Holy Trinity- I mean, seriously, how can someone be their own father and their own ghost at the same time... as in, the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit being three persons in one God. And, besides, are we just supposed to believe everything written in an old scripture written forever ago?

I realize I could be simply making all of this information up out of delusion, seeing as I don't actually know which memories are real or, well, not. I could be making this God notion up, or perhaps I'm not. Perhaps this is the first anyone has ever heard and ever will hear of this so-called God person because I might be going insane and making it up to make myself feel better about what little of my past I actually remember. It could be a fever dream for all I know.

Either way, it appears to me that I've come to a subconscious decision to discontinue this blind belief in said God.

If I refuse to blindly follow HYDRA, I suppose I have to apply that logic to everything in my life, and that includes God, among other things.

Why do I feel like, upon making this decision, I've somehow become a terrible person?

~ солдат 3255-7038