The Rockstar's bodyguard { A Bethanny Mcnarie novel }

Chapter 32: The Emails { Aaron POV }

"Turban," the drill sergeant yelled. "You get five minutes in the lobby. You can read your emails then."

God, I hated that nickname.

The second I came to basic training, it had hit me. People noticing I was brown, and they were cream. We were all soldiers, right? But yet, somehow in the twenty-first century, I was dealing with old school racism. Turban, New Delhi, Mochaman, the list went on. Luckily, no one knew any popular racial slurs for a guy who was half Indian. My bunkmate, James, was African-American, and lord knows he had bitten his tongue when the n word came out. Half the recruits were from Alabama, or Mississippi. It was incredulous to hear some of the sentiments. But none of would have happened without the consent, condoning, and even expectation of the leadership at boot camp. The head sergeant was definitely as racist as they could come. Much to the sergeant's chagrin, James and I were at the top of the class. I just hoped the actual military experience was better. I mean, how could going into active war zones not be a nice relief?

Still, the brief reprieve was when I got to read emails or letters. My mom wrote every day, about silly things. Blake was sending me postcards from Paris, and talking about some guy name David. Figures she would have a new man so quickly. And then there were Bethanny's emails. I read them over and over, like a mad man. But I didn't reply, not how I wanted. I had resolved to let her go, but still it felt good to hang on in my mind. Bethanny was so sweet to write me, knowing I might the distraction. And if I could tell anything from an email, she did seem to be growing up into the woman I knew she was. I saw a reply from her, and clicked on it first.

"Dear Aaron,

Hey. I'm so excited for you to finish your training. That is exciting and scary. But it must feel like an incredible accomplishment, and the whole McNarie family is proud of you. I'm sure your family feels the same. Thank you also for your kind sentiments about Berkeley.

I wanted to write you and talk about something. I know you won't reply. You'll just pretend like I never brought it up and avoid having a real conversation. I know the drill by now. But I need to get this off my chest, so do what you want with it.

I still love you Aaron. I think I always will. It is hard to explain. Maybe it's because you saved my life, twice. Maybe it's because you understand me in way most people don't. Maybe it just meant a lot to me to fall for you this summer, to feel something real again. For a long time, I thought buck was my first love. But I know better now. Buck and I were destructive, but I didn't love him. I obsessed, but I didn't love. You, your selfless sacrifice and caring, that was love. Maybe it still is love, I don't know. But it will always be a part of me, and honestly, that door will never be shut to tight. The door to us can always be re-opened.

But I can't wait anymore Aaron. I know, you told me not to wait. But we both know you hoped I would, and I hoped you'd wait for me. But then, I can't. I can't keep hoping for something to happen, for me to have a spark of hope to hold onto. I can't keep waiting, because you're gone. You can't even accept my apology over an email for kissing Jason two months ago. You've isolated yourself from me. Well, the message has been received. We both know I am stubborn, but I've accepted it. We're just friends, casual ones at best it seems. And I have to move on. I am going to let go, and I can't worry about what that means for us if I fall for someone else.

There is a guy here. It's not Jason, lol. He's a great person: kind, funny, smart. We're both soccer freaks. He wants to go into criminal law, and I have been thinking about getting a degree in criminology and forensic science. There are a lot of pieces to that puzzle that connect. He is a genuinely good guy, and I've kept my distance. I'm not telling you to make you jealous or play games. I just want you to understand, I need to see if there's something there. I just want to be honest, because I am not doing this to hurt you. I am doing this for me. Whether we find our way back to each other or not, I need you to understand. This is not a ploy. It's what I want, and I have to pursue it. I hope you understand, and that maybe you can be ok with it. Maybe we could even be friends now, ones who talk about more than the weather. It's your call.