The Rockstar's bodyguard { A Bethanny Mcnarie novel }

Chapter 33: The Misery Conundrum { Bethanny POV }

The truth was, I was a walking train wreck.

It’d been two weeks since the dance. Noah and I were firm on the 'holding hands at school and going out to dinner'aspects of our relationship. Otherwise, things were blurry. I didn’t know what I wanted. Noah was just so perfect, and easy to be with.   I could only imagine how he’d feel if he knew any of my past history. But then, he was a good guy, so maybe he wouldn’t judge me.  I didn’t know how he’d feel. But I did know that Aaron had promptly replied to my message, and I had been too chicken to read it.

I mean, for once I was actually happy. Sure, I hadn’t expected to be happy with Noah instead of Aaron. I didn’t expect to be falling asleep to the memory of what it felt like to hold hands with Noah at basketball game Emily forced us to go to. But I did find myself overwhelmingly giddy over the whole ordeal. I liked him, and not in a small way. I had butterflies.  But I didn’t love him, not yet. Perhaps it was in the realm of possibilities though. What did I know, honestly? Anything was possible.

But reading that email could change those possibilities. There were a few scenarios in my head. One possibility is that Aaron says nothing about my I’m moving on with another guy declaration. That would be annoying, but unsurprising. Or perhaps, he might say he actually does love me and beg me to forget about Noah. Would I be able to say no? Probably not. But I needed the closure and the space; I needed to be happy. I needed Noah, even if it wasn't forever. I needed to figure out what I wanted, regardless of his reaction, before I read his email. I needed to decide what I wanted, not just accept whatever he offered me. So I carried on, almost dating Noah and not reading Aaron's email.

Emily was coming over to hang out, just us for once.  I knew she had questions about Noah and what was happening there. When she came into my room,  I saw her sweet smile and shook my head.

"Let's talk Bethy," Emily said.

"Ok, what's going on?" I asked.

"So you and my brother are..." Emily asked. "What exactly?"

"I don't know yet," I said. "I like him a lot. I just, it's complicated.  I still like Aaron so I don't know what to do."

"So what's going on with Aaron?" Emily asked as she sat down on the bed.

"He emailed me," I said. "I haven't read it. I'm scared."

"Oh," Emily said. "Well, maybe I can help. I'll read it first, and then you can know what to expect. "

"Ok," I said, nodding.  "So, just tell me whay his reaction is. Is he jealous,  happy, ambivalent?  I need to know. "

She nodded and we agreed she would preview the email for me. I opened my laptop and click on the email. I pushed it over to Emily and she grinned.

"This is good," she said. "It's like ripping off a bandaid. Just find out what Aaron has to say, and then make your choice. You can't stay undecided forever. "

"No," I said. "I guess not."

She clicked on it and stared at the screen, her eyes squinting and her face full of thought.

"Does he hate me?" I asked.

"No," Emily said. "He went on some weird tangent about birds."

"Birds?"

"Birds," she clarified again.

"Does he mention me or our odd situation? "

"He says that he hopes you and Noah are happy. Aaron says he'll always care for me,  but you two were never right for each other. He hopes you're happy, and you should move on because he already has."

"He has," I said. "Does he have a girlfriend?  Some obnoxiously cute little soldier girl?"

"He just says you should move on," Emily said. "I'm sorry. Do you want me to read the part about birds?"

"No," I said.  "Does he mention anything else?"

"He says the Yankees suck."

"Great, " I said. "He must be really over it. He's not jealous,  he is just like g'ood luck Bethanny,  go get that guy.' Can't he even pretend to care?"

"He's being mature Beth, " Emily said. "Be realistic: you and Aaron will never work out. He's too old, too different,  and he is off saving the world.  It's admirable of him Beth, I get the appeal.  But maybe you'll both be happier apart."

"Maybe," I said.

"Be honest, " Emily said. "Do you think Noah could make you happy? "

"Yeah, " I said, smiling.

"And this weird thing with Aaron," she said. "Does it make you happy or miserable? "

I took a deep breath. 

"Miserable, " I said. "Ever since we got off the tour, I've been miserable. "

"So what do you want Bethanny? "

"I want to be happy, " I said. "That's what we both deserve."

*

*

*

I waited two days before I hung out with Noah again. I needed space, to slow down. But the bottom line was that I wasn't happy pining after Aaron.  I needed to move on, to let go. Aaron had, clearly, so I would follow suit. 

Noah met up with me on the soccer field.  We both wore our jerseys,  and I smiled at him as he walked towards me.

"Hey gorgeous, " he said, pulling me in for a hug.

"Hey, " I said. "Thanks for the practice.  It's going to be fun."

"Well, it's only natural that a big star like yourself needs a bad ass goalie like myself to practice with. "

"You don't play goalie," I said.

"I will today," he laughed.

An hour later, I'd only gotten three balls passed him. We were both exhausted,  but still,  I pulled him in for a sweaty hug. He pulled back and grinned.

"Hey Noah," I said. "Is that whole girlfriend offer still on the table?"

"For you," he said with a smile.

"Well," I said. "Is like to... I want to be your girlfriend. "

"And Mr. Military man?"

"He's not in the picture anymore, " I said. "And I like you, even when you're sweaty."

"Well," Noah said. "Then we'll make it official. "

"Okay."

"Okay."

And with that we walked off, holding hands.