A Clusterfuck of a Holiday Special

Chapter 8

Barla, Sunny, and Justin entered the gay bar with the help of Justin's fake IDs: something that any responsible parent would have.

"Okay, let's get one thing straight," he said to the two girls. "You guys aren't gonna get drunk or do anything adult while you're here. The only reason I'm bringing you guys is so that you can watch me crush this pie eating contest and dance competition."

"Deal," said Sunny. "By the way, why's this place open on the first night of Hanukkah?"

"It's owned by two gay Muslims," said Justin. "I know them. Nice guys."

"You know all the gay bar owners in town, don't you?" asked Barla.

Justin winked but said nothing.

"I wonder if they're gonna have both the contests at once, or one after the other," Sunny said aloud as they began navigating through the crowd.

"I hope they have the pie eating contest first," Barla snickered. "So that all the contestants blow chunks on each other during the dance part."

"Ewww," Sunny groaned as Barla laughed. "That's gross."

"While I do agree that that would be hilarious," Justin said, "It looks like they're having the dance competition first."

He finally reached the booth and started filling in the sign up sheet. As he was scribbling his name in, Barla noticed a pair of women walking by. And then another one. And then another one.

"Guys, I think it's lesbian night," she said.

"Oh, not to worry," said Justin, puffing out his chest. "I'm popular with the lesbians. They like to call me a 'himbo', whatever that means."

He joined the other contestants on stage, and the competition began.

"Lesbos and gentlegays," the announcer said through a microphone. "Welcome to the DANCE-OFF! For our first contestant... holy shit is that Justin Trudeau?"

Justin waved to the crowd. "Hi everyone. You guys like my six pack?"

The audience cheered. "JUS-TIN! JUS-TIN!" they began to chant. A bunch of paparazzi came out of nowhere and started snapping photos. (For you see, readers, in this book's universe, Justin Trudeau has never done anything problematic ever. And that's that.)

"Well... who cares about the other contestants, let's just begin!" the announcer finished. The music started and everyone on stage began to dance. Justin started doing the robot, and the crowd went wild.

"I feel like Alex the Lion," he called out to Sunny and Barla. "At the beginning of Madagascar 1!"

"That movie's like, so old," Barla teased.

"Yeah, I've only seen the third one," admitted Sunny. "Go Justin! Go Justin!"

The rest of the crowd started chanting along with her as Justin got on the ground and started doing the worm.

Barla and Sunny felt someone shoving their way to the front of the crowd.

"Ouch!" grunted Barla as she was shoved aside. They looked at the person to see that it was Justin's ex-boyfriend Chris Christie.

"Oh man, this should be good," Barla said sarcastically.

"Let's just hope Justin doesn't notice," Sunny prayed.

Justin immediately stopped, mid-worm. "... Chris? Is that you?"

"You broke my heart, Justin!" Chris shouted. "Is it because I'm fat? Be honest!"

"What? No, it's because you're a republican," Justin replied frankly. The music stopped, and everyone in the crowd began listening to their conversation with bated breath.

"Give me a second chance!" Chris begged. "I swear I'll treat you right!"

Justin mulled it over for a second. "Okay. I'll consider it. If... if..."

Everyone leaned in, eager to hear what he was about to say.

"If you can beat me in this PIE-EATING CONTEST!"

The audience went crazy. The rest of the contestants, very aware that they did not matter at this point, left the stage.

Chris climbed up awkwardly onto the stage, instead of using the stairs for some reason, and him and Justin took their places at the table, a plethora of cherry pies laid out in front of them.

"Alllllright, ladies and germs and others," the announcer began. "We're about to have ourselves a very special pie-eating contest. The question is: will Justin Trudeau accept Chris Christie's love, or will the former US governor go back home to Jersey with his heart broken? It all depends on who wins! Make some noise if you're on Teeeaaam Trudeau!"

The crowd erupted with cheering and applause.

"Now make some noise if you're on Teaaam Christie!"

One person went, "Yay!"

The contest began. Justin practically inhaled the pies, his metabolism having been boosted from all that worm-dancing. Chris just couldn't keep up.

"Look at our dad go, Barla! ... Barla?"

She was gone. Sunny looked around, wondering where she could have went. Then she saw her. "Barla!" she gasped.

Barla had snuck into the bar where the drinks were kept, climbed up to where they kept the liquor bottles, stolen a whole bottle of tequila, and was now attempting to make her own margherita.

"God damn teenagers," Sunny grumbled, going to get her.

Sunny was starting to feel like the only sane person left in this family.