A Clusterfuck of a Holiday Special

Chapter 9

Things were quiet during the ride to Esme Squalor's house. Violet was biting her nails, wondering anxiously about how the party preparations were coming along back at Justin's mansion. Klaus, now that he had unleashed his anger on Sarah Palin, was thinking calmly about what he was going to buy at the supermarket that weekend. Ivy and Isadora, now officially enemies, were plotting each other's demise. Quigley was thinking about absolutely nothing.

Finally, Violet spoke up. "So... if we aren't able to find who hid the coke before the party starts, what are we going to do with it?"

"Pour it in a river or something," Ivy suggested with a shrug.

"And turn all the fish into cokeheads?" Isadora questioned, aghast.

"Wait wait wait..," Klaus interjected, putting both hands up. "Has anyone even looked up if cocaine is kosher?"

"Oh shit," said Violet, pulling out her phone. "On it."

"You guys aren't seriously considering doing the coke, are you?" Ivy asked.

Klaus shrugged. "Sort of... toying with the idea."

Ivy was appalled. She looked to Quigley for backup, who just shrugged and said, "It is what it is."

"Doesn't look like it's kosher," Violet said finally, putting the phone back in her pocket. "Phew. For a moment there we were almost bad Jews."

Ivy rolled her eyes. "Yeah. Almost."

The Uber driver, who had been silently horrified the entire time, now spoke up. "Um... I know it's none of my business," she said slowly, "But do you guys really have cocai-"

"Silence, car wench," Isadora snapped.

"... We've had a long day," Violet added apologetically.

"We could stash it back at the grocery store," Klaus suggested.

"That supermarket closed," Isadora grumbled. "I already looked that up."

"... Let's just hope that Esme did it, so we can go home," said Violet, leaning back in her seat.

The Uber driver clearly had more questions to ask, but held her tongue. Eventually, they arrived at Esme's mansion; the nicest mansion they had visited so far.

"Alright," said Klaus as everyone climbed out of the Uber. "You guys ready?"

"I'm gonna record this in case she commits a crime," said Ivy, pulling out her phone.

"I wish we had our baseball bats," Quigley sighed.

"It's fine. Her house probably has a lot of stuff in it that we can use as weapons," Klaus replied as they walked up to the front door.

"Guys, we're just gonna sneakily give her the cocaine back," Violet reminded them. "As much as I'd love to beat the shit out of Esme for the second time, that's not what we're here for."

"You say that now," said Klaus, "But let's just wait and see how this goes."

He noticed that one of the windows was cracked open, and he motioned for everyone to follow him. They all crouched and hid under it, peeking into the house.

Hey. Limon-lays Chipwich here. I'd like to explain, for a moment, the concept of a "plot twist". Oh, what's that? You thought I knocked this shit off? You thought I wasn't gonna explain every literary device using colorful analogies and metaphors? Bitch please. Do you know who I am? I once explained the definition of "hyperbole" to a bar full of people on open mic night. And I wasn't even that drunk! Well, at least by my standards.

.... Everyone at that bar is dead now. Long story. Lots of clusterfucks. Where was I? Oh yeah, plot twists.

A "plot twist" is when you're expecting one thing to happen, but then something totally different happens. For example, if while you were bombing at open mic night, the bartender suddenly revealed himself to be your mortal enemy who poisoned everyone's drinks, THAT would be a plot twist. And a clusterfuck to boot.

And a plot twist had certainly taken place here.

"Calm down, calm down," said Esme to someone lurking just out of sight. "We'll get you more coke. Everything will be fabulous. Here, have another martini."

"Thanks," the person sighed, finally coming into view. "I hope the bag I stashed today gets us a loooot of cash."

Violet almost gasped, but then put her hand over her mouth.

It was Carmelita.