A Clusterfuck of a Holiday Special

Chapter 11

Carmelita and Esme sat down on the couch, not noticing them peering through the window. They quickly snuck through it and hid behind a cabinet.

"Are you sure you stashed it in the right place?" Esme asked, taking a sip of her cucumber martini.

"I'm pretty sure I did," Carmelita replied, picking up the TV remote and turning on an old episode of Dance Moms. "I'm not the kind to make mistakes. Oh, here's the one where you broke Abbey's nose."

"I love that one."

Violet turned to Klaus. "This isn't gonna work. How would we plant it back on her in a way that's not suspicious?"

"It doesn't matter if it's suspicious, it just needs to get done," he replied. "Let's just put it in a random drawer. Those other criminals will totally believe that Carmelita hogged the coke for herself."

"But Carmelita will know something's up."

"Who cares? Nobody will believe her."

"Guys, keep your voices down," warned Isadora, but it was too late.

"Did you hear that?" Carmelita said suddenly. She got up and approached their hiding spot. It was embarrassing how quickly she found them.

"Uh... hi," said Violet. Quigley quickly hid the cocaine behind his back before she could notice.

Carmelita stared at them. "You broke into my mom's house. During the holidays. For no reason."

"Yeah, no reason," said Klaus. "Just us being wacky! Surprise!" He chuckled awkwardly.

"You know, my therapist told me not to use this word anymore, but this is some real cakesniffer behavior."

As she was talking, Quigley stashed the coke behind the cabinet. Ivy noticed and stood up.

"You're right, I'm so sorry about these guys," she apologized. "Let's leave."

Carmelita folded her arms. "I should press charges."

"Who are you talking to over there?" Esme called out, already drunk.

"RUN!" Klaus shouted suddenly, and the five of them raced out of the front door.

"Oh no you don't!" Carmelita growled, taking off her heels. "Esme, call the police!"

"I have a better idea," slurred Esme. She then pulled out a shotgun from behind the couch cushions and began shooting wildly as Carmelita raced out the door after them. One of the bullets went through the cabinet, and cocaine started to leak out from behind it. "Uh, Carmelita! The coke is behind the cabinet!"

Carmelita snarled as she chased the gang out of the driveway and down the street. "We were minding our own business!" she screamed. "Just trying to make some money off some VFD gangsters! You orphans ruin everything!"

"You're an orphan too, bitch!" Isadora hollered back at her.

Carmelita began to speed up.

"She's gaining on us!" Violet yelled.

"Your coke is at home!" Quigley shouted at Carmelita. "Just go back home!"

Then, Violet got an idea. An awful idea. Violet got a wonderful, awful idea.

"You know what?!" she shouted. "Fuck the law!" She quickly tied her hair up, and using nothing but her sweater, a beer bottle from the gutter, and a couple of tic tacs, she assembled a luxury SUV.

Quigley climbed into the driver's seat. They all clambered in after him and locked the door as Carmelita finally caught up with them.

"Drive, Quigley, drive!" Violet urged him as Carmelita began trying to break the windshield. Eventually, Quigley got the car going and they sped off towards the house.

"Okay, okay," Ivy whispered to herself, running her fingers through her hair. "So Carmelita knows we stole it, but hopefully those gangsters won't believe her, hopefully they'll all think she's crazy and we'll get off scot free..."

"Stop mumbling to yourself!" Isadora snapped. "If you have something you wanna share, just tell us-"

There was a thud on the roof of the car.

"Oh," Klaus said slowly. "I know this bitch did not-"

Carmelita poked her head out from on top of the car, blocking part of the windshield. Everyone screamed.

"Quigley, get her off!" Isadora whined. He began swerving the car back and forth, but she wouldn't budge.

Violet stuck her head out the window and waved the slip of paper that Sarah Palin had given them. "Hey! We know where you live, you know!"

Carmelita leaned over and snatched the slip out of Violet's hand with her teeth. Violet watched silently as she began ripping it to shreds like a dog.

"Oh. Okay." She got back in the car and rolled up the window.

Soon, they had made it to the house. They all climbed out and stared at Carmelita, who was still gripping the top of the car so hard that her knuckles were white. "You cakesniffers! You undid all the hard work that my therapist-"

"Oh, don't be dramatic," Klaus cut her off. "Now look. When we go inside, there's gonna be a whole Hanukkah shindig waiting for us with food and everything, and you're free to stay and eat until you calm down."

Violet looked at her brother with surprise. Usually, he was a whiny, pretentious asshole. Carmelita seemed surprised as well, but nonetheless, she climbed down from the car and stood in front of them, wiping her nose on her sleeve. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Quigley said quickly. "Now let's just eat, I'm starving."

With Carmelita now joining them, they came to a halt at the front door. Klaus opened it to find...