A Clusterfuck of a Holiday Special

Chapter 4

"Weird name...," Violet muttered under her breath as she drove around town aimlessly. "A female with a weird... name."

"Justice Strauss?" Ivy suggested.

"No, I saw her recently," said Klaus. "She was hiding in the bushes in our backyard for some reason. I think she's too lonely to have criminal connections like that."

Quigley sat up straight. "Ooh, ooh, I know! Kit Snicket!"

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Um... Quigley, Kit Snicket died. Remember? That's why we're raising Barla?" Violet stammered.

Quigley's smile disappeared and was replaced with a look of shock. "What? Barla is Kit's daughter?"

"Yeah, what did you think?"

"Well I thought, you... you know." He gestured vaguely.

"What?!" Violet exclaimed. "You thought I was a teen mom this whole time?"

"I... yeah."

"Who did you think the father was?"

"Um, to be honest I kind of thought it was Duncan?"

Violet sat there silently, mouth agape. Klaus, Ivy, and Isadora burst into laughter.

"You thought you got cucked this whole time? 15 years?! By your own brother?!" Klaus asked, laughing rancorously.

"Yeah, and I was fine with it! That's called being the bigger person," said Quigley defensively.

"That's called being a dumb asshole!" Isadora howled, causing everyone in the back seat to erupt into even louder laughter.

Violet shook her head in disbelief. "Honestly, Quigley, you must think I'm really- SHIT!!"

Three homeless people suddenly ran in front of the car, and Violet quickly swerved out of the way, causing everyone to scream, and crashed into a streetlight.

The five of them sat there in stunned silence as smoke erupted from the front of the totaled car. The homeless people continued to shuffle across the street as the smell of diesel exhaust filled the air.

After what felt like minutes, Isadora slowly reached into her pocket and pulled out her vape. "So, V, you got insurance or what?"

"I'm gonna go yell at them," said Klaus decidedly, unbuckling his seatbelt. "I don't care if they're homeless, I'll do it."

"Go ahead," groaned Violet, resting her head against the steering wheel with her eyes shut.

Klaus got out of the car in a huff. "Listen, I don't know what you three are trying to pull, but you just wrecked a perfectly good-"

The three homeless people turned around and Klaus immediately recognized them. It was Hugo, Colette, and Kevin. The three freaks from the circus.

"Oh wow," said Klaus blankly.

He turned around to face Violet through the windshield, and she was just as surprised as he was. He turned back to the three freaks.

"So...," he said finally. "Any of you guys happen to deal coke?"

--

Sunny entered the kitchen to find that all of the food that Justin was cooking was on fire.

"Jesus," she groaned. "I go to the bathroom for three minutes."

"Hey, hey, don't judge! I've never made Jewish food before!" Justin whined defensively. He went into a coughing fit, and hacked up a motzah ball. "I don't even know how that got there."

Sunny sighed, and took the burning food off the heat. "I have a better idea," she said, turning to Justin and smiling deviously. "We can sneak out, get the food from Whole Foods, and spend the day doing fun stuff instead."

"Yeah...," said Justin, taking off his oven mitts. "That could work. Cooking really isn't my thing. There's a reason I always send you guys to the Quagmire house for the holidays."

"I'm gonna go upstairs and get Barla, and then we can go out and party."

"Wait!" said Justin as Sunny began to run upstairs. "What about Duncan? If he finds out, he'll definitely tattle on us, that rat bastard."

"Leave it to me," said Sunny with a grin. She quickly ascended the staircase and ran to Barla's room. She slowly creaked the door open to find Barla on Tiktok, as usual.

"Barla, we're sneaking out."

"Okay."

"Wanna help me handcuff Duncan to the bed?"

"Sure."

--

"So... if you guys aren't dealing coke, then what are you doing?" asked Klaus, as he and the gang sat with the circus freaks in their tent near the highway.

"Well, after the theatre troupe disabanded," Hugo said, "We started making Tiktok videos. We actually went viral and got invited on Ellen, back when it was still on."

"Oh yeah? How was that?" asked Isadora.

"Strangely enough, she whipped her staff with the same kind of noodle that Count Olaf's troupe used on us back at the circus," Colette said thoughtfully. "But we didn't think much of it at the time."

"... Hey Colette," Violet began. "Do you know any other female VFD members who are lurking around these parts? ... Selling coke, perhaps?"

"Man, you guys are really hung up on coke," remarked Hugo.

"You know, I know a guy who'll give you some, you could've just asked," said Kevin. Klaus perked up slightly.

Violet sighed. "No thank you," she said, nudging Klaus with her elbow.

"Hm... no, I don't know any female coke dealers, sorry," said Colette.

"That's alright," Ivy sighed. "Violet, could you build us a new car?"

Violet chuckled awkwardly. "Um... yeah, about that. The last time I built my own car I got in big trouble with the law, and they told me not to do it anymore. So I guess there'll be no more of that."

"It was fun while it lasted," Klaus added with a shrug.

"Do you guys know where we could fix a car?" asked Quigley.

"No. But you're welcome to wait here for the Uber!" said Hugo cheerily, unhelpful as ever.

Violet looked at her watch and sighed. The party was in five hours.