A Clusterfuck of a Holiday Special

Chapter 1

To Beatrice:
Ho ho ho

My name is Lederhosen Soupdick, and I'm getting too old for this shit.

Seriously. The first book was written six years ago! Book 14, I mean. Of this amazing series that everyone loves, A Clusterfuck of Things Going Wrong. Of course. I'm so stupid.

You may notice I seem a little more down in the dumps than usual: it's called seasonal depression, bitch.

Seasonal depression can be described as a cold, damp feeling that harrows your soul every holiday season, like if a talking holiday clam were to lick your chest and whisper sweet nothings into your ear that make you feel paranoid. But this is the real world. Clams don't talk. Everything sucks. I'm doing so bad.

And if you wanna know how Sunny, Violet, Klaus, Justin, and Barla are doing... they're not doing much better. Our story begins in Canada, 15 years after the events of Book 15 (heh, double 15s), where Justin and the fam are getting ready for their holiday party.

"Oh for fucks sake," Klaus groaned as Justin walked into the room shirtless, with a crudely drawn Santa on his chest.

"Hold on, hold on, look what I can make it do," Justin said. He started flexing, which made it look like Santa's beard was moving up and down. "Ho, ho, ho," he said in a deep voice, giggling. The weird thing was that he still looked exactly the same as he did 15 years ago.

"Justin, I said no Christmas stuff! We're having a Hanukkah party, remember?" Violet said, carrying a box of blue and gold decorations. "And Sunny, get off your phone."

"But Rhett and Link's sons are doing their first live broadcast together on Twitter 2!" Sunny pleaded. "You have no idea how much this means to me."

Violet rolled her eyes. "I always thought that app was lazily named."

The doorbell rang, signaling the arrival of the first guest.

"Already?! I told them to come at 5," Violet groaned, walking over to the door.

"You should've built a forcefield around the house that wards off guests," Klaus said sarcastically, already on his third glass of holiday champagne.

"No," Violet sighed. "I can't. We don't have any soup cans."

She opened the door to find Quigley standing there wearing a sideways cap and mesh shirt. The cap had a cartoon dreidel on it saying "You're Menorah-ble!", and there were two jingle bells attached to the mesh shirt where his nipples were.

"Sup, V."

"Is this your holiday outfit?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yeah."

"Okay..." She rubbed her temples. "It's a good thing you're here because I actually need someone to help get the hors d'oeuvres."

"Yeah totally brah, I'll help you get the horse divorce."

"I just said it out loud, how did you still mispronounce... Whatever, let's just go," said Violet, closing the door behind them.

Klaus looked at Sunny.

Sunny looked at Klaus. "Don't say it."

"You should be reading books instead of that damn phone."

"I'm out of here," she grumbled. "Good luck cooking the dinner by yourself, old man."

Klaus and Justin watched as she left the room. "Shit. She's the best cook we have," Klaus mumbled. He turned to Justin. "Do you know how to cook?"

"Gentile food only."

"Of course," Klaus muttered. "Barla! Could you get down here?"

"I'm an atheist!" she replied from upstairs.

"Okay good for you get down here please."

She begrudgingly came downstairs, wearing baggy mom jeans and a shirt with a mushroom on it. She had a dyed red mullet and was wearing a white bucket hat and white platform sneakers. She was, as the kids say, a "tiktok girlie". Whatever that means.

"I'm not gonna cook anything with meat," she said right off the bat. "I became vegan last week, in case you didn't know."

"Yeah, yeah, we know," Justin said with a wave of his hand, "Now help me make my signature meat-eggs-and-dairy soup."

She stared at him.

"I'm kidding," he said with a grin. She rolled her eyes.

"You know who supports my vegan diet? Isadora," Barla said to Klaus.

"Isadora is a 30-something year old woman who writes fanfiction that nobody reads."

Barla scoffed. "Yeah, but you're dating her. You're in a polyamorous relationship with her and Ivy, remember?"

"Ooooooooh," Justin said annoyingly, causing Klaus to blush.

"I just didn't want to let either of them down, okay?" he said defensively. "This is me being nice!"

"Oh yeah," said Barla sarcastically. "That's totally how a polyamorous relationship is supposed to work. Atta boy."

Klaus stammered for a while, but no words came out. He folded his arms with a huff.

The doorbell rang and Justin turned to Klaus. "Ooooooh that must be them ooooooooooooh."

"Shut up, Justin."

He opened the door and Ivy, Isadora, and Duncan were all standing there with boxes of decorations.

"Uh, we already have decorations, guys," Klaus said, awkwardly taking the boxes.

"Oh, I know, but these are fair trade and biodegradable," Isadora said nonchalantly.

"You go girl," said Barla.

"I came here for some good old fashioned debate," said Duncan, shooting a glance at Klaus. "Don't think I forgot about how I owned you last time with facts and logic."

"Justin, I can't take another one of his political rants at the dinner table," Klaus whispered to Justin, "Do something."

"Got it," said Justin. He pointed at the Santa face on his chest. "Hey guys, look what I can do!"

He flexed his muscles, making the Santa dance around as they oohed and ahhed. Klaus used this distraction to walk into the kitchen and start on dinner.

"If you guys think this is cool, just you wait," said Justin eagerly. "I've got a Rudolph on my back."