A Clusterfuck of a Holiday Special

Chapter 2

Violet sighed heavily as Quigley waddled up to her with a giant plastic tub on his back. Even in the middle of the supermarket, he acted like... Quigley.

"Violet, look, I'm a turtle."

"It's crazy to me that you and Justin don't get along. You're so similar," she said flatly as Quigley stood up and let the tub clatter to the ground.

"What? You're kidding. I'm nothing like that guy," replied Quigley, cracking open a jar of peanut butter and scooping some up with his finger. "He's so immature."

"Great. Now I have to pay for tha..." Violet's voice trailed off as she noticed something that had been hidden on the shelf behind the peanut butter jar. "Hey Quigley, I think someone stashed something back there."

Quigley reached inside and pulled it out: it was a bag of cocaine.

They stared at it in shock for about thirty seconds.

"We have to turn this in," said Violet.

"Let's sell it," said Quigley, at the same time.

Violet put her head in her hands.

"Think about it! We're two childless people in our thirties, what's the worst that can happen?"

"Funny, that's the same line you used to try and get back together with me last time," Violet muttered before swiping the bag of coke from Quigley. "I'm taking this to Justin. He's a former Prime Minister."

"Pfft, you're no fun. I'd rather put it back than do that."

Just then, they heard the sound of a bunch of men walking towards the aisle menacingly. Violet and Quigley crawled behind the paper towels and hid there so they wouldn't be spotted with the cocaine.

"Look out aisle 10, here comes Big Vince and the Badboy Gang!" a gravelly voice announced. "And we're here to get what's ours!"

"Yeah boss," said a deep voice.

"Heheh, yeaaah boss," added a high snivelly voice.

"Do you think they're the criminals who hid the coke?" Quigley whispered stupidly.

Through the paper towels, Violet could see that each of the men had a tattoo of an eye on their ankle.

"God damnit, is every criminal in the world VFD?!"

"Hitler wasn't," whispered Quigley knowingly. "VFD doesn't have a branch in Germany."

Just then, they heard someone run up to meet the gang of mobsters. "Sorry I'm late guys, I had to get my hook sharpened."

Violet recognized that voice. It was Fernald. Once again.

"Why won't this guy just fucking die?!" Violet whisper-yelled.

"Did you fellas hear that?" Vince grumbled.

"Hey boss, the coke is missing," said the deep-voiced henchman.

"We need to sneak out of here," whispered Violet.

"You stash the coke in your jacket and run, I'll distract them by pretending to have a medical emergency," Quigley replied.

"Behind the paper towels?!"

"It's our only option, now go!"

Violet took the coke and escaped while the gang wasn't looking. Behind her, she could hear the sounds of Quigley starting to thrash around.

"HEL-UP! HEL-UP! I'M HAVING AN EPISODE!" he shouted in a corny Southern accent.

The four men gasped with horror and concern. "Is there a doctor in the house?" Fernald panicked, somehow not recognizing him.