A Clusterfuck of a Holiday Special

Chapter 13

"So... you're a stalker then?" Klaus asked. "I knew vaguely about the Clusterfuck books, but not that you've been following us around for years. That's kind of creepy."

"No, I'm not a stalker," I said for the millionth time. "I'm more of a researcher. I document your lives for mass consumption!"

"And we haven't seen a single penny? Why?" Violet asked.

"I don't know, everyone calm down," I replied. "You're being hysterical. 'Hysterical' is a word that means-"

"Wait. Have you been stalking us too?" Isadora interrupted, pointing to herself and her brothers.

"Um... no, not as much. But kind of, yeah."

"Did you ever, like, think I was cool?" she asked, twirling her hair. I wrinkled my nose in disgust, and Hector swatted her hand down.

"Barf," said Ivy.

Duncan gave her a high five. "Ivy, I actually like you," he said. "From what my sister's been telling me, you always sounded like some kind of smelly, senile ape. But you're honestly cool. Wanna go with me to a Ben Shapiro concert later?"

"Fuck it," said Ivy. "Why not?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot, he makes music now," Violet said. "This really is the worst timeline."

I'm a grown man, chubba-chubba-chubba-chubba-chubba-chubba-chubba
I don't have any lines to go right here so
So, chubba-Teletubby
Fellas (what?) fellas (what?)
Grab your left nut, make your right one jealous

"Justin, can you please for the love of god turn that off?" Violet pleaded.

"Fine... but there's not really any Hanukkah music out there so I guess we'll eat in silence."

"Can we go back to the stalker, please?" Sunny asked. "Barla, how do you know him?"

"Um... I just kinda found out about him I guess? I don't know. Watch the last episode of the Netflix series, that'll explain it."

"The fucking WHAT??" Klaus shouted. "There was a Netflix series and we still haven't gotten paid?!"

"Oh, a looong time ago. You wanna watch it?" Barla asked. "It's hilarious. The kids who play you guys can't act for shit. And Count Olaf is played by the dude from How I Met Your Mother. The blond one."

"Oh god damnit, I liked that guy!" Klaus groaned.

"You shouldn't have said the kids can't act," I chuckled. "Now the commenters are gonna be on my ass-" I stopped laughing when I realized the whole table was glaring at me. "Okay, okay," I said, getting out my checkbook. "How much do y'all want?"

"Fifty million," said Sunny.

"Done."

"That's our girl," said Violet. "Mama needs a new pair of shoes. And to pay off these god damn student loans."

Isadora and Duncan looked at each other. "Um... You're giving us some of that, right?" asked Isadora. Violet waved her hand as if to say, "We'll discuss that later".

"Um... what happened to your fortunes?" I asked.

"They're philanthropists," Barla said mockingly, jabbing her thumb at Violet and Klaus. "Meaning they gave it all to charity. Isn't that the craziest shit you've ever heard?"

I shrugged. "Makes sense. The World Orphan Fund, I'm assuming?"

Sunny narrowed her eyes. "Don't act like you know us." She paused. "But yes, it was the orphan's fund."

"Duncan here," Isadora said, slapping her brother on the back. "Blew all of our money on an apocalypse bunker, as well as 'the good rations', so we 'don't have to eat garbage'."

"Also, Quigley blew the rest of it on an inflatable mansion," Duncan added.

"Worth every penny," said Quigley, stuffing an entire latke into his mouth.

Klaus sighed and got up. "Alright, let's light the menorah and wrap this up. Unless there are any more mystery guests we should know about."

"...I tried to get Neil Patrick Harris to come with me, in costume as Count Olaf," I admitted. "Because it would have been hilarious. But he's busy with his presidential campaign in America." I shrugged.

We all gathered around the menorah, and Klaus handed the lit candle to Barla. "The youngest gets to light it," he said, patting her on the head in a fatherly manner.

"... Thanks," she replied. She brought the shamash to the wick of the first candle and it immediately caught. And for the first time that day, everyone collectively took a breather.

Klaus felt his phone buzz, took it out of his pocket and looked at it. "Oh shit. You guys, VFD just filed for bankruptcy! I guess that means no more coke adventures..."

Violet let out a long sigh of relief. "Happy Hanukkah, everyone," she said finally.

We all wished her a happy Hanukkah back. I leaned over to Justin. "This might be weird to ask, but can I rent out a room in you guys' house-"

"Get out," Justin replied.

I began to shuffle away, and as I looked back at the group, I could see that my work was over. The Baudelaires had grown up. Count Olaf was dead. VFD was gone. There was nothing left to write. "... What do I do now?"

For a moment, there was silence.

"... Move to England," suggested Quigley. "Start a cookie business. Call it Lemony's Biscuits." Murmurs of approval rippled through the group.

I nodded. "Okay... Yeah. Cookie business. I'd like that."

As I walked away, I heard Violet whispering to her brother. "I think the clusterfuck is finally over, Klaus. For real this time."

"Don't jinx it," he replied, but I could tell from his voice that he was smiling.

"Can I play music now?" asked Justin, clearly bored. Before anyone could answer, he began playing the song "Superbass" by Nicki Minaj.

This one is for the boys with the boomin' system
Top down, AC with the coolin' system
When he come up in the club, he be blazin' up
Got stacks on deck like he savin' up

As I shut the door behind me, I could hear the sound of Sunny and Barla hooting and hollering as everyone danced. I also heard the sound of something breaking followed by arguing, but for once, I didn't investigate. I've moved on with my life.

There's only one thing harder than ending a book, and that's ending a series. All I can say is this: Every unfortunate event comes to an end. And if you happen to find yourself living through a clusterfuck of things going wrong, just know that the end is near, and soon, things will be going wrong no more.

I'm Listerine Dipshit, and I think I'm done living in the past. Time to see what the future holds.

See you later.