A Clusterfuck of a Holiday Special

Chapter 7

The gang decided to go after Sarah Palin first. Why? Because her address was closer, and they were running out of time.

"Justin didn't answer," said Klaus. "Weird. I hope everything's good over there."

"We have bigger problems," replied Isadora.

"This is it," said Violet to the Uber driver. They had pulled up in front of their second mansion of the day: Sarah Palin's estate. It was a spooky looking, multi-story mansion with vines growing over every wall. The windows were cracked and foggy.

"Sarah Palin... man, she's really dropped off the map ever since she was on The Masked Singer 13 years ago," Klaus remarked.

"Man, you're old," Quigley scoffed.

"You're literally older than me!"

Everyone started getting out of the car, and just as Klaus and Quigley were about to leave, they heard the Uber driver clear his throat and hold out his hand. He was asking for a cash tip, since Klaus hadn't tipped him on the app. That's right: In 2033, you have to tip Uber drivers for them to get paid adequately.

"Oh yeah, sorry man," said Quigley before Klaus could speak. "I forgot." He took the gum out of his mouth and handed it to the driver, who looked down at it in disgust.

After they got out, Klaus shook his head at Quigley. "That was fucking gross."

"What was?" asked Violet.

"He did the Home Alone 2 thing," Klaus complained. "With the gum."

"I've never seen Home Alone 2," Quigley said defensively.

"Really? So you did that genuinely? You really thought he wanted it? The gum that was in your mouth?"

"I don't know!"

"A tip, Quigley. He was asking for a tip."

"Well excuse me for not knowing! I thought he was offering to take my gum before I get out of the car," he huffed, crossing his arms. "So I don't choke."

"This is the dumbest fucking conversation I've ever heard," said Isadora. "And it's going on for way too long. Quigley, don't put chewed gum in people's hands. And Klaus, let things go."

"You want me to let things go? Fine. You and Ivy are fired."

"What?!" they exclaimed in unison.

"That's right. You guys have no idea how polyamorous relationships work, and honestly, you both need to get your shit together"

"... Okay fine, you're right, this was a really bad idea," said Ivy. "I only agreed to it because I thought it might work with my bisexuality. But I'm honestly not attracted to Izzy at all."

"No, I get it," Isadora sighed. "I'm not attracted to you, either. In fact, I think you're a stupid carrot top looking headass bitch."

Ivy nodded knowingly. "Enemies?"

Isadora shook her hand. "Enemies."

"Klaus' terrible annoying threeway relationship is over! Hallelujah!" Quigley shouted to the heavens. "It's a Hanukkah miracle!"

Klaus suddenly noticed that Violet had been staring up at one of the windows of the house the whole time. "Vi, what's up with y- oh my god."

Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin had been watching them creepily from one of the windows of her mansion, and Violet was glaring at her with intense focus.

"I think we're having a staring contest," she said, unmoving. "Creepy bitch."

"God, I'm so done. We need to just ask her about the coke and leave," Klaus said, walking up to the front door and ringing the doorbell.

Sarah Palin quickly answered, wearing a wizard's robe and round tinted spectacles. "Hello, Klaus."

"What?!" Violet exclaimed, looking from the Sarah Palin at the door to the one in the window. The Sarah Palin in the window toppled over - it had been a cardboard cutout the whole time.

"Always expect the unexpected," Sarah Palin said creepily.

"The Masked Singer really changed you for the worse, huh?" said Klaus, unimpressed. "Listen, one question and then we'll go: do you deal coke, or know any other women that deal coke?"

"To get the answers that you seek, you first must answer my riddles three! First: what has eyes but cannot see?"

Klaus sighed heavily as she did a little jig. "Bitch. In case I did not make myself clear. Do. You. Deal. Coke."

"Get her ass Klaus!" Quigley whooped.

Sarah Palin smirked evilly. "Wrong answer, young man. You have two more tr-"

"Okay, I have HAD IT!"

Hearing Klaus raise his voice made everyone else in the group instinctively take out their phones and start recording. This was gonna be good.

"I have been driving aimlessly around this fucking country for hours looking for someone who stashed some fucking coke, and to be honest I can't even remember fucking why, and all I want to do is go home because it's fucking HANUKKAH, and I just wanna drink some fucking ALCOHOL and get fucking WASTED with my family, because that's what the holidays are all. Fucking. About. Not going on another UNFORTUNATE fucking adventure with the same people I've been hanging out with for over 15 years, and going from door to door answering politicians' MEDIOCRE MOTHERFUCKING RIDDLES! You have no idea what I've been through, lady. So I'm gonna ask you one more time, or we're getting out the baseball bats again, WHO. IS DEALING. THE FUCKING. COKE."

Sarah Palin stared at him, and then went inside. She returned after a few seconds with a slip of paper. Written on it was an address.

"Fucking thank you," Klaus said, snatching it out of her hand and walking away. "Getting on my last nerve."

The rest of the gang applauded as he met them at the curb.

"It's so cool when you say the f-word," Ivy said with a grin.

"What?" asked Klaus, puzzled. "Why is it cool when I say it?"

"I dunno." She shrugged.

"I think it's because you've got this hot college professor thing going on," Isadora explained, looking him up and down. Quigley and Violet both made fake retching noises.

"Oh grow up," said Klaus, who was enjoying the attention.

"Let's get back on track," Violet said. "We have two more people to go, and that's Esme and whoever this address is for. If neither of them did it, then that's it. We're just gonna see what happens when we keep it."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Sarah Palin's so weird now," Ivy remarked, looking back at the house as they walked away.

Violet sighed. "Honestly, we've all become weird. I guess that's what 15 years in Canada does to a person."