A Clusterfuck of a Holiday Special

Chapter 10

"Barla, are you fucking insane?"

Barla stopped sipping her margherita that was mostly lemonade. "C'mooon, I should get to be rebellious every once in a while..."

She paused to take another sip, watching as Chris Christie left the stage, his head hung low in shame.

"... If you put enough lemonade in these things, they actually just taste-"

"Like normal lemonade. Yeah, I know," interrupted Sunny, with her head in her hands.

Justin swaggered over to the bar and swiped the drink out of Barla's hands. "I need something to wash down the pies." He took a sip. "Ooh. This lemonade has a tiiiny splash of tequila in it. Bad Barla. You're grounded."

Barla groaned as Justin poured about nine more shots of tequila into the lemonade and downed the whole thing.

"Justin!" Sunny cried. "Why would you do that?! Don't you have to drive?!"

"Oh yeah," he hiccuped. "Well... this is to teach Barla a lesson. About how alcohol isn't all it's cracked up to be. Because it... makes you..." He became visibly disoriented. "... Not drive good."

Barla rolled her eyes. "Gosh. I'm learning so much."

"I guess I'll have to drive," Sunny grumbled. "I hate driving."

Barla checked her watch. "Shiiit. The party starts in an hour."

"WHAT?!?!"

-

Five minutes later, Sunny was tearing down the road at 65 miles per hour. "Fuckfuckfuckfuck we have to get all the different foods and we're probably gonna have to wait in long ass lines because it's fucking Hanukkah-"

"Oh pshaw," Justin said from the back seat. "They'll let me go to the front of aaaall the lines because I'm the prime minister."

"You WERE the prime minister," said Sunny, jerking the car to a sudden halt at the stop light. "Over a decade ago."

Barla started rooting through the glove compartment. "I just remembered I have a bunch of Whole Foods coupons in here."

"Please tell me one of them is for some kind of Hanukkah food," pleaded Sunny.

After a few moments, Barla triumphantly pulled out one of the coupons. "Free butter cookies."

Sunny sighed with relief. "Okay. I guess that's one down."

"Yaaaaayyy," Justin slurred. "Happy birthday."

"Okay Barla, I guess you and Justin take the sweet aisles, and I take the savory aisles," Sunny commanded, parking crookedly in the Whole Foods parking lot.

They busted through the doors.

"ALRIGHT PEOPLE, LET'S MOVE MOVE MOVE," Sunny hollered as they each dashed to their respective sections, startling the other shoppers.

This, reader, is where we run into a problem. You see, Sunny, despite no longer being a baby, still has a tendency to speak in gibberish when overwhelmed. And so, when Sunny raced up to the butcher counter, instead of saying, "I'd like some brisket, please.", Sunny said:

"WAKLAPANUBO BRISKET NEEBAY."

The butcher stared at her. "Uhhh... brisket? You want brisket?"

She nodded. "Neebo neebay."

"Uhh... okay, here you go."

Barla and Justin had a different problem. Neither of them had any idea how to shop for a party. Barla was using her climbing talent to climb up and down the shelves like a spider monkey, tossing anything that might be useful to the cart below. Justin was mostly pointing to random things and going, "That could be food."

Barla dropped down from the top of the shelf and held up a box of jelly donuts. "There's gonna be like, ten to fifteen people at this party probably. And this box has twelve donuts in it, so..."

Justin pointed behind her to the rest of the boxes. "Get ten more."

She dumped them in the cart. "Okay, we got the donuts, gelt, and butter cookies. We're almost done."

Justin pouted. "This is weird. I'm used to you guys staying with the Quagmires for Hanukkah while I have an awesome Christmas rager by myself. Now Hanukkah is the rager and there's no more Christmas..."

Barla sighed. "It's alright, Justin. I understand it's not easy to give up your traditions. You can do Christmas again next year. We just wanted to get the whole family together and..." She spotted some miscellaneous holiday decorations hanging on a shelf. "Hey, I think I know a good compromise..."

When they were done, they met Sunny at the checkout line.

"Hey Sunny? Just letting you know, we got some extra decorations that are-"

"Whatever whatever just put them on the conveyer belt."

After checking out, they sped home with Sunny once again at the wheel.

"Okay," Sunny said as they pulled into the driveway of the house. "The latkes came frozen so I'm going to have to heat them up. You guys put out the desserts and the brisket."

"The pre-cooked brisket sucks at Whole Foods though," Barla pointed out as they walked up to the door. "And plus, I'm vegan now, remember? I can't touch no brisket."

Sunny threw the door open. "Whatev-"

Then they saw it. Duncan had dragged the entire bed into the kitchen, scraping the shit out of the hardwood floor in the process. The entire kitchen was on fire, and the flames were starting to reach the living room.

"YOU!" Duncan shouted, pointing his finger at them while sweating profusely. "You people left me here to DIE!"

Justin leaned over to Barla and Sunny. "Uh, guys? Remember this morning when Klaus told us not to forget about the roast in the oven?"