A Clusterfuck of a Holiday Special

Chapter 3

"C'mon everyone, holiday coke heist, up and at 'em," said Klaus as he tried to wrangle everyone out the door except Duncan, Barla, Sunny, and Justin. "You guys stay here and get the party ready," he said to them. "It's still Hanukkah, after all. Don't forget about the roast in the oven."

He slammed the door, leaving the four of them in silence.

"Well," said Duncan, "I'm gonna go take a nap. Later."

He quickly ascended the staircase. The other three stood there in silence for a few seconds, looking around the room awkwardly.

"So...," said Barla, "You guys wanna listen to some Steve Lacy?"

--

"Let me get this straight," said Ivy. "You got mouth-to-mouth from a cartoonish italian gangster?"

"Yup," replied Quigley, resting his head against the passenger window.

"... How was it?" she asked curiously.

Isadora scoffed. "See, Klaus, I told you I loved you more than she did. Look at how she's considering other options."

"I did nothing of the sort!" said Ivy defensively.

"Ladies, please, there's enough of me to go around," said Klaus tiredly.

"I'm throwing up in my mouth a little bit," said Violet, cringing at her brother's misogyny.

"I know, right?" said Quigley, shaking his head. "...Klaus gets a ridiculous amount of bitches, and it's not fair. Anyways, who's first on our suspect list?"

Violet thought for a moment. "Fiona. Definitely Fiona. She likes drugs, she's Fernald's sister, it all adds up."

"Okay, so one: where does she live, and two: is she gonna remember that time 15 years ago that we beat her, her brother, and Esme half to death with bats while Sarah Palin lurked around in the background?"

"She lives nearby. And probably."

"Great."

The ride from there on out was really silent and awkward until Violet randomly said, "Klaus... when did our lives get so weird?"

"Well," he sighed, looking from Ivy to Isadora, "It is called a Clusterfuck of Things Going Wrong."

"What? What is?"

Klaus looked out the window and said nothing.

"I have an idea," said Quigley. "Why don't we sing Hanukkah carols?" Everyone groaned.

"Nope. We're already here. Sorry Quig," said Violet quickly, pulling up in front of Fiona's house.

Violet was able to find where Fiona lived by using an old VFD address book, but what she hadn't found out was the size and scope of the house itself. It was a giant mansion, complete with trimmed topiaries and a bubbling fountain at the entrance.

"What the fuck?" said Klaus under his breath. "You're telling me if I got with Fiona I could've gotten all this?"

"You're telling me you want a third girlfriend?" Quigley asked in disbelief, slamming the car door behind him as he got out. "How about you leave some for the rest of us, eh?"

"Klaus, I think the only reason Fiona has all this is because she married someone rich," Violet said as they stepped onto the front porch.

"And he doesn't want a third girlfriend," said Isadora as Violet knocked on the door. "He's probably gonna replace Ivy the first chance he gets."

"Nice fantasy, Izzy," said Ivy sarcastically. "You should write a couplet about it."

"I wish I had a bottle of nair,
To get rid of this bitch's ugly red hair," Isadora recited.

"Klaus! Isadora recited a couplet at me!"

"Jesus Christ, you're grown women," Klaus groaned, looking at the sky.

"Correction: one of us is," said Isadora. "Remember when Ivy decided to take a 'gap year' after school? How long has that been now? Hm? When are you going to go to college?"

Ivy gasped. "You bitch!"

"You one dimensional self insert!"

They started tussling and pulling each other's hair. Place your bets now.

"Pssst," Quigley whispered, leaning over to Klaus. "So is a polyamorous relationship just having two girlfriends that fight over you? Sounds kinda dope."

"That's not what it's supposed to be," sighed Klaus. "But welcome to the Clusterfuck."

Fiona opened the door and grimaced. Ivy and Isadora immediately stopped fighting. It was clear that neither of them were winning anyway. "Oh, hi Violet. Quigley. Redhead bitch."

She looked Klaus up and down.

"Yo, when did you get hot?"

Klaus blushed and began stammering. "Oh, uh... thank you. I've been taking care of my hair and skin, and uh... buying clothes. I got this turtleneck at American Eagle, and uh..."

"Who exactly are you?" Fiona asked, turning to Isadora.

"His girlfriend. What's it to ya."

Ivy glared at her and Fiona stepped aside. "Well, come in."

"Are you married?" asked Violet, stepping into Fiona's fancy house.

"Married an old guy. Collected his inheritance," Fiona replied casually.

"I see. So you don't have any reason to, say, deal cocaine?" Quigley asked.

"Real subtle," said Violet under her breath.

"I know Fernald does. And I was totally willing to help him out, but he got the help of some bitch instead," Fiona muttered scornfully. "I don't remember her name, though."

"So it's a she," said Violet. "Is she old or young?"

"I dunno. She had a weird name."

"That doesn't narrow it down," said Klaus.

"Sorry," she said with a shrug.

"Alright, I guess that's it then. Bye," said Violet as they all turned to leave.

"Wait," said Klaus. "Would you be interested in, uh... dating me? Like, in addition to these two?"

"Nah, I figured out recently that I'm a lesbian. Bye."

Klaus turned pink and ran out the door after the rest of them. "Fuckfuckfuck why did I say that--"

"Calm down, Klaus," said Violet.

"Calm down?! I read a book about lesbians when I was 5, I should know this...," he said, putting his head in his hands.