A Clusterfuck of a Holiday Special

Chapter 5

Hi. Listerine Dipshit here. You wanna know what sucks?

I've been trailing these orphans for decades now, collecting information so that I can tell their story to you guys, and I haven't gotten a SINGLE Hanukkah card from any of you. No letters delivered to my constantly-changing address, not even a comment saying "mazeltov, lemonseed, glad you haven't fucking DIED".

Shame, shame. You know how I spend my holidays? Usually, I spend them in a dingy motel room, hiding from VFD agents who I owe money, eating green beans out of a can and picking at the El Pollo Loco takeout that's been sitting in the fridge for days.

Buuut whatever. That's what I get when I dedicate my life to stalking my ex-girlfriend's kids who aren't even kids anymore. And speaking of which, I have to get to the next part in the story. Quigley, Ivy, Isadora, and Klaus are still at the three circus freaks' homeless camp.

"So who's calling the Uber?" asked Quigley.

"I'll do it," said Ivy, pulling out her phone.

"No, no, I'll do it," said Isadora patronizingly. "Don't you worry about it."

"You're just as broke as I am, you know," Ivy muttered.

"You're both broke," Klaus sighed. "I'll do it."

"So," said Violet, being handed a steaming cup of tea by Kevin, "You all still live together, huh?"

"Yes," said Colette proudly, holding one of Hugo's ambidextrous hands. "We're in a polyamorous relationship."

"Oh my god, so am I!" Klaus said, nodding toward Ivy and Isadora as he called for an Uber with his iPhone 40. "I'm dating these two."

"Oh! Good for you."

"Haha, yeah... Remember when you guys tried to kill us?"

The three freaks got very uncomfortable, and Violet looked at Klaus incredulously.

"What?" he said. "They did. We never bring these things up for some reason."

"Ugh, that reminds me," Quigley said. "Esme killed Jacques and I never made a sick one liner about it. Like, when I was beating her up that one time."

"What would you have said?" asked Violet despite herself.

"I would've been like, 'jacques snicket, remember the name, bitch!', or 'quigley and jacques, friends 4 lyfe!', or-"

"Oh my god," said Ivy suddenly. "Esme Squalor! A female with a weird name!"

"I don't know how we didn't think of that before!" said Klaus, smacking his forehead.

"Glad we could be of help," Kevin said proudly, seemingly unaware that none of the three circus freaks had contributed anything helpful.

"Uber's here," said Klaus, getting up. The rest of the group followed.

"Tell people to follow our Tiktok!" Colette said loudly. "It's @/thecarnivorouscarniez!"

"Will do," said Klaus, with no intention of doing so.

They all clambered into the Uber and started off.

"Here's two other possibilities I just thought of," said Violet. "The two white-faced women, and maaaybe the Person Of Indeterminate Gender."

"Pretty sure those two women are long dead. Also, I don't know if Fiona would misgender the Person Of Indeterminate Gender like that," said Ivy.

"Yeah, doesn't the Person of Indeterminate Gender go by they/them? Or it/its? Or xe/xim? Or something?" said Isadora.

"I think we were too busy trying not to get killed by them to ask them their pronouns," Klaus said.

"What are you guys talking about back there?" asked the Uber driver, bewildered.

"VFD business," Violet said quickly.

"VFD? What?"

"... Oh yeah. I forgot. Some people are... normal." She looked sheepishly at Klaus, who shrugged.

"Oh don't worry, I forget that all the time," said Isadora. "I just assume everyone is as interesting as I am."

"... I'm gonna stop talking now," said the Uber driver, his feelings hurt.

"I just remembered, I have to call Justin," said Klaus. "I wonder how they're doing getting ready for the party?"