𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 | billie eilish

037

sunday - may 9, 2021 - tw: mentions of od/sh

𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐨'𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐥
𝐟𝐞𝐛𝐫𝐮𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝟏𝟓, 𝟓:𝟐𝟎𝐩𝐦
𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬

I called her once more at nine last night, but it isn't even that big of a surprise anymore when I say that she did not pick up her phone.

Instead, she declined the incoming call of mine another time.

My messages were left on read,

blatantly ignored by her.

And I'm not telling downright falsehoods when I reveal that my heart is aching beyond endurance,

and frustration is creeping through my veins,

it feels as if it is impeding my invariable blood flow in my body and is therefore the root of my insufferable headache of pure despair.

For once I thought that I was special, but she makes me feel like it is my fault.

I can't decipher whether I should wait for her to return to me,

apologize for her absence in my life, although we are only adolescent, romantically hopeless lovers.

But not in crime, since such thing hasn't ever circled our minds; endangering lives of strangers, maybe even our dearest surroundings, or committing to moderately lawbreaking things.

Or maybe it is my job to approach her about the situation we're in, keep calling her, even pay her a visit at home.

Nevertheless, straightforward confrontation about certain sensitive issues isn't always the best solution, chiefly if they haven't been analyzed yet.

Truth is, I am putting the blame on myself and cannot stop myself from trying to work out what I've presumably done wrong in her eyes.

I sigh for the days gone by.

All of my outspoken words keep running through my head, at lively daytime and noiseless nighttime; however, I can't seem to remember uttering anything that could have potentially pained her fragile, compassionate heart.

She was absent from school today, and Clarissa took good advantage of the free chance to scorn the relationship I'm in.

Although she feels profound aversion to us, she shadows us most of the time and had the audacity to dig up far too many confidential issues about Ella's past.

She can't tolerate the fact that Ella came across a person whose hands she can lay her heart into. A person she doesn't have to alter her persona for, someone she can be her true self around.

I respire deeply, rolling onto my stomach on my bed and groaning into my pillow which muffles my sounds of anguish.

Today's been an atypically cloudy day, and the raindrops slithering down my window encourage the gloomy atmosphere and help me grow yet more despondent.

In this present moment I'm actually supposed be studying, lingering over pages of homework; but my motivation is entirely gone.