𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 | billie eilish

014

sunday - november 29, 2020

𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟒, 𝟐:𝟒𝟎𝐩𝐦
𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬

My chest rises and falls steadily as I'm gazing at the sluggishly moving cotton candy clouds on the bright blue September sky.

I texted her. And she messaged me back.

𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲𝗿 (𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗲)

𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲𝗿
𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗲 𝘀𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝘁𝗼𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶 𝘀𝗸𝗶𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗱
𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗮 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗮𝗯𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗵𝗶𝘁 𝗮𝗯𝘁 𝗺𝗲
𝗱𝗶𝗱𝗻𝘁 𝘀𝗵𝗲?

𝘀𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝗱
𝘄𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗮 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝗶𝗱?

𝗻𝗮𝗵 𝗶'𝗺 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱
𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝘂𝗰𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘂𝗽
𝗶𝘁 𝗮𝗶𝗻'𝘁 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝘆𝘀

I wonder what idea suddenly struck my head that made me reach for my phone and type in these senseless words in the first place.

She surely has better things to do than answering a dumb question of mine.

Why even would she care about it?

Also, the last message I sent her exclusively consisted of a big, made up lie.

Unfortunately, Clarissa's words often have been proved to be the truth of my well-being. She revealed tons of things about my vulnerability that should have stayed in a cage of long kept secrets. However, nobody has ever really paid attention to her blabbing on about seemingly unnecessary information, and I'm quite glad about that. 

If she had never found my notebook with my handwritten poems, she never would have perceived my fairly cold-hearted demeanor toward my surroundings.

Nonetheless, she had already mocked me before she interpreted certain things into my poetic words and somehow even twisted them. 

She judged me for occasionally attending my classes with dilated pupils due to the weed I had smoked previous to walking through the entrance of the school.

For my freckles, which she told me to remove from my skin, because she assumed it was dirt.

For my sense of style, because apparently, there isn't any other color than black to be found in my closet.

She's testing me in a bitter and devious way, interested in knowing if I'm able to stand the malicious damage she's doing to me.

But that's enough about Clarissa for now, and I don't voluntarily waste another thought on her.

I breathe in deeply as a cool breeze of air gently blows my hair in all kinds of directions, leaving a few strands of it in my face.

The tree beside me rustles lazily, and I throw a quick glance at my watch after I became aware of my environment again.

A quiet groan escapes my lips as reality hits me harder than I thought it would.