𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 | billie eilish

012

monday - november 16, 2020

𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟒, 𝟎:𝟏𝟓𝐚𝐦
𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬

My heated phone is laying in my right hand as my thumb hovers back and forth over the keyboard.

Over and over I type a number of short words only to delete them after some seconds due to the uncertainty that attacks my thoughts and soon becomes their unelected leader.

My eyes scan the saved name of the contact once again.

𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲𝗿 (𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗲)

She was weird. But not that kind of weird that makes a shiver of second-hand embarrassment smoothly slither down your spine.

It was the cute type.

Her outer appearance caught me from the very first moment on.

Not only the way her mysteriously sparkling eyes roamed my body, then scrutinized the pattern of the hazel beauty marks that are scattered beneath my eyes.

But also how she kept on trying to interact with me long after I had pretty much verbally declined her attempts rather with hostility than enthusiasm.

She'd claim that I initiated the little staring contest, whereas I'd assert that she was the provocative one in the game.

However, she went into that entire situation feeling a tad too confident, consequently she failed miserably at it.

And once that had happened, her wide smile, which emerged on her plump, hydrated lips, wholly threw me off track.

This may now sound exaggerated but believe me when I say that my heart skipped a beat.

Nearly eight beats at once.

It fluttered in my chest and left a unique sensation behind that I have never witnessed before.

It was an atypical, sort of puzzling emotion that overcame me out of the blue.

Somewhat scary, however, I enjoyed it as it lasted.

But to be honest, it still hasn't wholly faded.

There's something about it that my body is holding on to. Not my bare hands, since you cannot grab feelings with them, but there's a corner in my heart right now that locked that certain sensation and keeps it safe in the depth of it.

I don't know what it is doing that for, but what I know for sure is that I can't afford to love someone at the moment.

So if this is the unexpected beginning of the process of reluctantly falling in love, then I'd like to pass it up.

It's the memories of my ex girlfriend that made me lose hope and faith in my surroundings. All of the people whoever dare to step close to me, fundamentally wanting dive into my tangled headspace.

All the memories I've had to bury, they keep me up at night.

Sometimes I lie in my bed in the dead of the night and catch myself reminiscing about her, which is an unarguably huge mistake.