𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 | billie eilish

019

wednesday - january 6, 2021

𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟒, 𝟖:𝟑𝟎𝐩𝐦
𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬

My leg is repeatedly moving up and down as I sit in the plain white waiting room of our nearby hospital.

A dull ache from the distress, which I was put through earlier this day, periodically rips through my heart, making me gasp for air every now and then.

An intolerable silence is dominating the void.

My world is visually turning gray.

They haven't apprised me yet of whether my mom sustained a stroke or not, but my description of her symptoms were enough for the paramedics to tie themselves down on a particular medical emergency.

Feeling myself recoil at the thought of the doctors finding a more serious condition in my mom's body, my insides begin shuddering a bit.

Yes, she did, as a matter of fact, abuse me verbally and emotionally, but I forgive too easily and would have punished myself if I had ever confronted her with everything she burdened me with.

I wouldn't survive without her, even though she isn't my reason to stay alive.

Before I become fully aware of it, I fall into a mild derealization episode and only snap back out of it as a young male doctor calls my name for the third time.

"Your mom's awake and stable, but there are some things we need to talk about. Would you come with me, please?" He asks politely as he leans against the doorframe with a clipboard in his hands.

"Sure," I mumble as I suppress a yawn, desperate for some rest.

I follow behind him as I have trouble keeping up with his quick pace.

We walk through a mysteriously empty hall until he abruptly stops, takes a key out of his pocket and unlocks the door we eventually walk through.

"So," he begins calmly once we settled down on two chairs across from each other. "First of all, yes, your mom did have a stroke, but you did everything right. Don't feel any shame for calling us. That's what we're here for."

A tiny wave of relief washes over me and I nod.

"We did a CT scan, some thorough ultrasounds and already got her blood results back. Everything went well, but we found something that we wish we would not have found."

Suddenly, I freeze in shock.

"What do you mean?" I blurt our, straightening my back as my heart rate increases to an uncomfortably rapid pace.

"We're gonna get to that part in a minute. Beforehand, I need to ask you about several things that help us find more information and answers as to why she's now suffering from that specific illness."

"Go ahead," I murmur and run my hair through my freshly washed yet knotted hair.

The fact that Billie is going to come over tomorrow encouraged me to finally practice some self-care after over an entire week without doing anything good for myself.