𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 | billie eilish

020

wednesday - january 13, 2021

𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟓, 𝟏𝟐:𝟑𝟎𝐩𝐦
𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬

The night was unbearably long, my eyelids didn't fall shut once.

My thoughts pursued the horrific imagination of Savanna's death day. Unpleasantly vivid images of her funeral invaded my headspace, they forced tears to puddle in my eyes.

Only now I'm being acquainted with the idea of living without her by my side.

When I was younger, losing my mom was the worst fear of mine.

I was always scared her name would fade into oblivion once she left this life behind.

That feeling of mine had vanished for a while, but yesterday it struck me again.

Our exchange of words is at its minimum, only the necessary things that need to be discussed, and I'm beginning to feel the regret slowly washing over me.

Wasted time that we are never going to get back.

As of recently, however, she began approaching me more often again.

Maybe she was aware of her illness long ago already but refused to see a professional about it, afraid of facing the bitter truth.

She was longing for an escape from her worsening physical condition, so she continued abusing alcohol and drugs.

That thankfully stopped when she first fell unconscious in my arms nearly a week ago.

It was the first time in months that proved that I subconsciously do care about her.

And it was also the first time in months that I took it seriously when she admitted that she was grateful that I was still by her side.

𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗱𝗼 𝗮𝗻𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳.

That phrase, which she uttered last night, shattered my heart, yet it didn't terminate my thoughts about my self-destructive behavior and suicidal tendencies.

Rather, it encouraged me to escape this life, which I believe doesn't belong to me.

Ever since childhood, I knew that I'd leave this planet earlier than the average person would do.

Reaching an old age had never been something I wasted a thought on whenever someone asked about my wishes for the years ahead.

Instead, my response had always had tendencies to sound quite worrisome to a grown person.

However, nobody ever questioned my answers and guessed it was normal for a child to feel alone and helpless in a group of twenty acquaintances.

Earlier this morning, a cardiologist performed some ultrasounds on me, but they found nothing unsettling and reassured me that I'm not at a high risk of any heart disease.

My complaints about my recurring heart palpitations were elucidated to be a physical reaction to the growing anxiety in my head.