𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 | billie eilish

021

saturday - january 23, 2021

𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟓, 𝟖:𝟐𝟎𝐚𝐦
𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬

Thin rays of sunshine cast radiant light over my cadaverous face as I'm surveying my outer appearance.

My complexion is pallid, and the scintillating sun is leisurely nearing its highest point in the cerulean sky.

I'm tired of her.

Tired of my reflection.

My fingertips trace the shape of my sharp jawline.

I wish to be somewhere else,

somewhere over the rainbow.

Watching the life of everybody else from a far distance, not feeling like I'm trapped in my own unique nightmare any longer.

The unknown depths of space — that's my personal definition of freedom.

I'm too close to the stars, and at times I'm not able to distinguish reality from fantasy and dreams.

Whoever said that the pain would diminish over time was wrong. 

My hands sink to my thighs while a minimal sigh relieves my slight tension.

People watch me willfully ruining every given option for my future.

There could be death in my pocket, and they wouldn't trouble themselves.

I silently rise from the carpeted floor, turn around to face the opposite direction and find Billie's sleepy eyes roaming up my body until she meets my pair of eyes.

"You're already up," she talks lowly, the scratchy undertone in her voice never leaving her side.

"Mh, just another nightmare," I say flatly and adjust my hoodie.

Her previous smiley facial expression minimally drops, and she pulls her lips into a thin line.

"Nothing new, though." My answer is cut short. "Do you wanna eat anything? Do you usually have breakfast?"

"I don't know, yeah, maybe a bit," she replies and sits up against the headboard.

I could get used to this view.

Instead of voicing a verbal response, I solely nod.

"We can go downstairs in like ten minutes if you want," I suggest to her.

Copying me, she nods as well and adds an unanticipated comment with a dazzling smile tugging at her lips' corner.

It's hypnotizing and surely would make my legs go weak if we were lovers.

"You look so pretty in the sunlight."

I want to react to her compliment but lapse into silence instead.

For a second, my breath is taken away from me.

It's been a while since someone told me I didn't look hideous.

An unfamiliar warmth surrounds me all of a sudden. Faint flushes creep up my neck and gradually reach my cheeks.

My palms begin becoming slightly damp and my heart rate rises instantaneously.