𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 | billie eilish

006

thursday - august 20, 2020

𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝟐𝟕, 𝟏𝟎:𝟒𝟎𝐚𝐦
𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬

"The last thing I want is to start another argument with you, okay? So please, please listen to what I have to say," she speaks as our eyes are glued to each other's clean face. Her skin is covered in a slightly rosy shade and her eyes lost their joyful sparkles, which they used to show off to everyone whoever was lucky enough to find them. Ayron, my dad, used to amplify their shining and glowing. His calming presence and unstoppably strong love is missing now. Especially in my life. Not in Savanna's though, as I dare to believe. He was the one I found peace in when Mom already yelled at me for doing miserably in school at the beginning of the year, even though Marlon's death had only happened two weeks prior to the start of my last year in middle school.

"I know you don't trust me anymore, I know you don't want to live with me anymore. If I were you, I would do and feel the same. We're not who we used to be, and I'm talking about both of us, you know that."

You don't want to live with me anymore.

I don't wanna live at all. Why can't I just pick up that bottle of sleeping pills, swallow far too many of them and then fall into a deep, never-ending rest?

Just to let her know that I am, in fact, listening to her and not only pretending to be following her every word, I nod my head minimally.

I hate to agree with the facts she's stating, simply because they're true. Not partly. It's the full truth, not a single lie snaking its way through.

Our personalities were exchanged two years ago. But to what or with what exactly? No one has ever taken further detailed notes of that.

"I feel so awful, and I haven't been able to focus on anything the past days. I never wanted to drag you into that situation with me. What I did was wrong, and words aren't enough to explain my worry about you and how sorry I am."

I huff and cross my arms as I lean back in the rattan chair.

She already noticed that she went the wrong way? Damn, after such a considerably long time. That's a huge accomplishment.

But maybe I shouldn't be too harsh with her at the same time. Our mistakes cannot be erased from past tenses.

"Ella," she sighs. "What can I do to help you? Please tell me, I'm clueless. I'm scared to leave for work everyday. Because you're alone, because I don't know what ideas are on your mind. I don't wanna come home to finding you on the bathroom floor or dead in the morning because of a few too many sleeping pills. This is serious, I do care about you. You're not nobody to me, you're my daughter." Her voice raises steadily but soon cracks as she stops to take a deep, trembling breath. "Tell me, please, I'm begging you."

Getting high, lying underneath a starry sky and slowly losing my consciousness. I want to clearly hear and feel my heart stop beating. I wanna lose the very last tiny spark of hope that is still enlightened somewhere in my body. I want the wind – a fresh breeze of freezing cold air – to blow away my continuing worries and disappointments.

That would be it. But I shut up my deafening thoughts and tell her differently. I tell her lies instead of my heartwarming wishes.