𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 | billie eilish

016

tuesday - december 15, 2020

𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟎, 𝟕:𝟎𝟐𝐚𝐦
𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬

Her soothing voice relit an expired flame inside the void of my body.

Her presence was pure comfort me, it embraced my loneliness in that past moment.

Her words melted one of the many thin icy layers around my frozen heart.

She assured that she was spending a couple of minutes with me to make sure I was okay.

I watched my chance of letting her get to know me fizzle out the longer I stayed silent.

My talking perhaps would have become quite overwhelming for her if I had informed her more about what ideas in particular are circling my mind on a daily basis.

Her gentleness, her support, her acceptance are things that I haven't been able to detach myself from since Wednesday. Every single train of thought I have reminds me of her in some way.

And believe me when I say that my currently biggest wish is to get rid of these thoughts and intrusive sentiments.

I can't already develop a crush after only a week of knowing her.

Furthermore, if my brain decides to catch real, intense feelings for her, I'll deny them.

However, I'm too emotionally exhausted to be feeling anything anyway.

But there was more than one aspect to it which caused my great distress.

The boy's hand on my chest belonged to a guy in my English class.

And if it isn't already enough that he's called Marlon, he also has the same facial features as my brother.

He's like his twin. But two or three years older.

One alive, the other one dead. 

The night of his passing flashed before my eyes again and I found it hard to breathe, consequently I sensed the deep desire of having to escape from that situation.

I sigh as I jump down the stairs, skipping the last staircase before strolling over our parquet floor.

Savanna already made it out of bed as well, although her state of health doesn't differ from last week. Rather, it's getting increasingly worse.

There's exclusively one positive aspect about her sickness, and maybe it is evil of me to say such thing, but she hasn't touched a bottle of alcohol or swallowed any chemical substances ever since.

I know where she stores her Ecstasy pills, but an immense urge of having to try them has never struck me before.

I greet my mom as I enter the kitchen and catch sight of her leaning against the counter, and she returns it.

Her continuing weight loss should be alarming enough to herself, however, she seems to be ignoring it on purpose.

"How are you doing?" I dare to open my mouth after pouring myself a glass of cool orange juice.

"I'm fine," she assures, an artificial smile tugging at her lips' corners.

"You're not. Why do you keep ignoring how miserable you are?" I confront her with the blunt truth.

"I don't want my problems to weigh down on you as well," she utters firmly, yet she sounds so weak.

"No, it's okay," I reply lowly and shake my head microscopically.

𝗜 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗮 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘆𝗼𝘂 is what I'd like to add to that, although it perhaps isn't the right time for it yet. These words would perhaps sound like a lie to her, wouldn't they?

After all these months of arguing, socially withdrawing myself from her and not feeling secure in her embrace, the universe finally decided to hand me something heavy to carry by myself. It was only about time, let's be honest. And this for sure isn't coincidence, it's destiny.

"I think I gotta go," I say hesitantly once I chugged my glass of orange juice and checked the time on the clock on the other side of the wall.

Frankly, I don't want to leave for school. Even less due to my worry about Savanna, which I haven't expressed quite yet.

She wishes me a good day before I distance myself from her and put on a pair of matching shoes to perfect my outfit.

As I remember that I forgot my lunch in fridge, I return to the kitchen once more.

I hectically turn around the corner only to find Savanna appear even paler and more feeble.

A shock rips through my entire body.

"Mom," I semi-yell and drop my backpack before rushing over to her.

"I'm just a bit dizzy," she whispers and pushes herself away from the counter to prove me that she hasn't lost any of her physical strength yet.

As soon as she finished stating that, she slurs a couple more words, and her legs aren't able to carry her weight anymore.

Thankfully, I react quickly enough and catch her before she collapses in my arms.

Glass House - Machine Gun Kelly

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very short but this is the best i could do