𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 | billie eilish

023

wednesday - february 10, 2021

𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟐𝟎, 𝟔:𝟑𝟎𝐩𝐦
𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬

Every night I pray for my breath to slow down. I wish that my pulse – the flame of my body – will expire as the hours pass in my hushed bedroom. I hope that my heartbeat will cease to exist.

It isn't even plain misery that dominates the depths of me.

But what is it then?

I fail at finding the correct words to ease the process of everybody else attempting to decipher my complex headspace.

I've never been the type to let someone see right through.

It will be a guessing game until time itself loses its worth for me. Because when that happens, it's too late to come to my aid.

Precisely said, my desires from above will have set in. My vital organs will be at the drugs' and alcohol's mercy. Once and for all.

I won't be given a third chance on Earth, this is an exclusive thought I firmly believe in.

Some say things are better the second time around, however, I was confronted with the contrary.

Third chances are supposedly for the ones that were too unstable, but I want to consider myself a..

𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲𝗿 (𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗲)

𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗹𝗼
𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝘂𝘀𝘆 𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗻𝗼𝘄?
𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘄𝗲 𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗸 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗮 𝗺𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁?

A silent breath of air escapes through my lips as my phone disappears in the pocket of my beige sweatpants.

I don't have the mental strength to text her back right now, every single task feels too torturous to be accomplished.

There's so much pressure weighing down on my chest, and it's leisurely suffocating me.

"How much longer?" I mutter once I switched my focus back to my mom's bland, greenish eyes, shifting uneasily in my position.

"About two days, but it'll probably be
a bit longer than that," she replies; her voice coated with an undertone as lifeless as her outer appearance.

Her few seconds of speech are followed by a blunt utterance of mine.

"I don't know what I'll do to myself, I'm so scared," I whisper as a choking sensation tightens my throat halfway through my straightforward statement and tears pool in my eyes. "I feel so unsafe when I'm home alone. Also, how are we supposed to finance all of this? It's impossible for us to.."

"Ella," she intervenes and grabs my hand gently. "You have to do me a favor, okay?"

"Yeah, I'll try to take care of myself, but..," I begin with a moderately quivering voice.

"That's not exactly what I meant by that," she cuts me off once again. "Tell your dad that he has to come back to LA. He still worries about you, believe me."