𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 | billie eilish

022

sunday - january 31, 2021

𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟕, 𝟏𝟏:𝟎𝟎𝐚𝐦
𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬

Prior to retiring from home this morning, a striking panic attack paralyzed my body for minutes, mimicking the agonizing symptoms Savanna endured last Friday.

Accordingly, my arrival at school was minimally belated.

My mind ceaselessly circles the wondering thought about my mom's current physical and psychological well-being.

She's still in hospital needing medical support for her condition, which is worsening.

At least that's the information the responsible doctor fed me with when I was there for a meeting with him yesterday afternoon once Billie had left my house.

However, that brief talk didn't occupy more than ten minutes. Again, he laid stress on the fact that there wasn't any possibility other than chemotherapy to prolong her given lifetime. But even the success of that method isn't guaranteed.

𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻'𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗻𝗼𝘄, 𝘀𝗵𝗲'𝘀 𝘀𝗹𝗲𝗲𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴 were his ultimate words before absenting himself from me and vanishing from my sight.

As of right now, I'm seated next to a high wall of lockers on the cold, dirty hallway floor.

And Billie is protectively sitting beside me.

She said that she left her friends to find me and keep me company.

Apparently, they weren't too amused about that but acknowledged her final decision.

"You already have plans for after school?" Billie unexpectedly ends the uncomfortable silence between us.

"Uhm, no," I reply trustworthily, my answer according to the truth.

"Cool," she mumbles while chewing a piece of strawberry flavored gum I gave her. "Just an idea, you don't gotta say yes, but do you wanna come with me after school?" she poses a question.

"Like, come to your house?" I ask bewilderedly.

"Yeah," she chuckles; dimples carving deeply into her cheeks on either side.

An unfamiliarly comforting, profound feeling arises in the pit of my stomach at the sight of that.

My eyes are seemingly fond of the look of her visage.

Additionally, I'm somewhat captivated by her marvelous voice.

But I don't want any kind of romantic feelings towards her admirable person to begin growing in a deeply hidden spot in my heart.

It would be unfair to her – my reckless and irresponsible behavior.

Furthermore, I wouldn't be able to meet her expectations. I wouldn't be able to provide her with the passionate love and attention she merits.

She'll only have good intentions for my delicate and fragile health, that's beyond doubt, however, I would end up devastating her vulnerable heart.