Our Little Secret ➳ Camila Cabello

twenty-one

"He told me you told him to stop talking to me." I slurred.
Camila was speechless as she looked around at everyone, "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."
I sat my phone beside her and pointed to the last text. "Right there. Why are you making sure no one texts me?"
Mila scrolled through the messages looking up and down for something suspicious, "He's not anyone I want to be talking to you. Plus he ran into you in the shower. He knew what he was doing."
"Mendes saw you naked?!" Dinah smirked. "That great. Were you awkward?"
"No, I wasn't awkward, but that's not the point. I don't talk to that many people in general. It's not like I like him." I mumbled feeling a little light headed.
"Girls, stop. We need to figure out where we are going to so we can plan it out and see if there's a way to buy it out for the afternoon." Ally said washing off the skillet to set it in the sink.
"I told you my idea. You can take it or put something else on the table." I was feeling bitchy now knowing that Camila is trying to keep people from me. I understand that she's being protective, but telling people to not talk to me is completely unneeded.
Camila could tell I was a little upset as she roughly put her hair up out of her face. "There's a carnival that's opened at night, but we can ask if they'll allow us to buy it out for the day." She looked over to me with hopeful eyes but I pretended to not even notice her by scrolling through my Twitter feed.
I opened a new tweet and started to post,

@y/t/n: never be too overprotective. it helps no one.

I was hoping that Camila would see it since she gets my tweet notifications on her phone, but she never took her glare away from me.
Lauren broke her out of her trance by speaking up, "I'd be down to go to a carnival right now."
"I'm down." Dinah and Normani said at the same time exchanging glances and laughing.
Ally sent a reassuring smile, "Then it's official. I'll call the event center and tell them we will be buying out their carnival for the late afternoon."
Camila grabbed my hand and squeezed it to signal to me that she was sorry, but I kept my hand limp.

--

All of us girls got into the car to drive to the carnival around 6pm. Ally talked the event officials to allow us to have the area all night instead of for the afternoon. Dinah had control of the aux cord as always as we journeyed to the carnival. Although, I was pretty high by this time because I had to take another pill for pain.
When we got out of the car, I decided that since I really couldn't feel anything that I didn't need my crutches so I walked into the venue without them struggling pretty hard even though I didn't really mind at the moment.
Camila held my hand as we walked into the amusement area.
By the time we made it inside, the lights were on all the rides as the sun was beginning to set. Mila nudged me to get me to smile at her. I gave her a half smirk and she whispered to me, "We should go watch the sunset from the top of the Ferris wheel."
I shrugged, "I don't know."
Mila pushed her bottom lip out to pout, "Please."
I nodded and followed her guide to the seat as we separated from the other girls. I got on and she went to whisper to the Ferris wheel attendant. She made it back and as soon as we were locked in, we began to be lifted slowly up to the sky. To be honest, the Orange sky was extremely beautiful, but not as beautiful as Camila. I looked over at her and noticed that she was mesmerized by the bright sky. Once I glanced at her, I caught her attention. "Didn't anyone tell you it's rude to stare?" Her voice was sassy, and her eyebrows wriggled.
I shrugged, "Probably not. You've met my parents so you know I was taught improper etiquette."
Camila smiled, "I guess it's up to me to train you then, huh?"
"Train me? Like a dog?"
Camila laughed, "No, like a tiger because you're fucking whipped."
I put my arm around her shoulders and stared intently trying to block out the small amount of pain shooting into very small nerves of my body. "I'm not fucking whipped." I insisted. "If anyone is, you are."
"I can admit I'm whipped for you." Camila said pulling her phone out. "Everyone knows it. So, why be ashamed?"
"I'm never ashamed of you, babe." I admitted pulling my arm away to grasp her hand and interlock our fingers.
"Let's take a picture." Camila mentioned as she brought the phone up to eye level.
"I look terrible." I complained as I put my face in Camila's neck making her giggle a little.
"You look perfect. Besides, that SnapBack makes you look sexy as fuck." Camila nudged me off of her shoulder to now be face to face with her phone.
Camila opened snapchat and I took the phone to turn the camera around and start recording. I positioned the camera over at the sunset and held the button, "Did you know this sunset is almost as beautiful as you, Mila?" I turned it to her to see her blush automatically and cover her smiling face. I took my finger off the button to see the final product and it was so cute that I had to save it to her camera roll.
She got aggravated about me taking so many videos, and pulled the phone back, "Baby. We are supposed to be taking a selfie."
I groaned as I gave her a peck on the cheek until I heard the shutter. Camila moved her face to now be kissing my lips and I heard another shutter. I started feeling Camila's tongue as for entrance as I allowed her in to journey in my mouth. Camila noticed where she was and pulled away, "I guess I couldn't help myself." Her giggle trailed off as she opened her camera roll to see the pictures we just took. I have to say, they weren't half bad. Too bad no one would ever see them.
Mila looked over her shoulder and pointed to a ride, "What does that say, babe?"
I looked back to see the words, "Tunnel of Love". I replied.
Camila almost squeaked in happiness. "Oh my god, babe. I think it's time we finally visit it."
I rolled my eyes, "Mila, we don't need a tunnel to make out in. We just practically mouth fucked each other right here on the Ferris wheel."
She whined pushing a small strand of hair away from her face, "But it's not the same. Please. It's all I've ever wanted to do with you."
I reluctantly nodded as we began to descend back down to the ground. The ride stopped and Camila hurried me over to the tunnel of love before the girls could stop us. Although, running didn't help my side at all. I felt like I was going to fall apart on the carnival grounds. As we hurried to sit in the seat, Camila begged the operator to hurry and turn the ride on before the girls could see us. When we began to enter, the girls turned the corner and their eyes widened. Camila mischievously waved at them with a sweet smirk.
At first it was an open water ride full of hearts and shitty things, but nothing prepared me for what was about to happen. Camila carefully turned my face to hers and kissed my lips passionately almost making me lose it right there. Before I knew it, she was putting her fingers around the top of my harem pants and messing with the elastic. I quickly bit her bottom lip which drove her absolutely bat shit crazy.
She quickly panted to talk to me as we began making out heatedly, "You're gonna pay for that when we get home, babe."
"We are packing to see your parents. We don't have that much time with the girls around." I replied grasping Camila's breast lightly making her squirm a bit.
"Don't worry, this won't take long for you." Camila sensually whispered as she darted her tongue in and out of my mouth making me have to suppress my moans.
The ride began to end as we were starting to come out of the tunnel. I gave Mila a quick peck on her lips as I brushed her crazy hair down. She smiled entering the outside world. Once we were off, she pressed down her skirt as we began walking back towards the girls. My medicine was starting to wear off and my weakness was quickly increasing. I leaned my weight on Mila hoping she could keep me up.
As we got closer, Ally's eyes were that of the thunderstorm. "You two do know that the paps are around here, right?"
Camila looked around and smiled, "Obviously not. We'd see the flashes. We are used to seeing them so I think I'd notice."
Ally gave Mila a lecture but I couldn't really pay attention. I was too busy focusing in on the pain and trying to pretend like I was okay. The nerves were sending out the worst pain throughout my whole body as it felt like my chest was contracting harshly. I didn't want to have to start relying on the pills, but there's no way I'll be able to live life like this as long as this metal bar is implanted in my side.
Ally quickly glanced at me then did a double take seeing how pale I was turning, "Baby girl. Are you okay?"
I nodded, "I'm fine, Alls."
Her face went from cold to caring in a matter of milliseconds, "No you're not. Something is wrong. What's happening?"
I started to feel extremely light headed as my legs were beginning to feel like jelly. I may have over done it for my first day after surgery, and now I was paying the price.
I quickly insisted nothing was wrong, "I'm fine, Ally. I told you."
She huffed, "You're a damn liar because something is up."
I groaned, "Ally, please stop. I can't deal with this, okay?"
Dinah ran to my side to put her arm around my waist, and my arm around her shoulder to support me. "I'll take you to sit down, lil mama."
She carried me to rest as I pulled out my phone when the other girls sat around me so I didn't have to make eye contact. I could hear Ally speak to me as I stared at my phone screen, "Y/N, there's something wrong with you. You're losing your color really fast."
I just sighed, "Ally, I'm fine. My side just hurts. Can't we just have fun without everyone being worried?"
"You just came out of surgery, Mija." Lauren said pushing her hair over to the other side of her head. I liked when she called me Mija. That name was only reserved for Camila and I. It made us feel special. "We all can't help being worried. We've been worried about you all week. Come to think of it, we've been worried about you for a while, kid."
"I'm fine." I retort hoping they'll drop the topic.
No such luck. Ally sighs and places her hand on my shoulder to get closer and whisper in my ear, "You need to tell them about everything." I knew what she meant but I didn't budge. "If you tell them about you, I'll come clean about my issues. Okay?"
I nodded feeling safer with Ally around. I sat my phone face down on the table and took in a deep breath. "I have something to say, and then Ally does. Afterwards, you can ask us questions or comment on what we will say but not until we are both done. Got it?" I asked with a discontent voice. I breathed in and out one more time before actually being able to spit the words out. "There's no other way to put this so I'll just be honest. Lately, I've been extremely depressed. If you haven't been able to tell already. And it's not because of y'all. You girls are the things that make me happy." Mila sat her hand on my leg and I looked down at it, then hurried to look back up. "Ally knew I was depressed but decided to help me keep it a secret because she knew I didn't want you all to worry. But recently it had become too much." You can do this, y/n. Just blurt it out gently. "I secretly attempted an act that could've possibly ended my life the other day. Ally found me and saved me, but was pretty upset." I looked around to see all the girls' eyes brim up with tears. Even Ally's was almost ready to burst, but I'm guessing it's all the thoughts of having to finally come clean in a moment that is taking the toll on her. "One of the pills I take now are anti-depressants. I'm better now, really. This is all just about my side now. I don't want you guys to start worrying, okay?" I could feel my voice tremble, "I love you girls. All of you." I looked to Mila, "Some more than others." Her eyes were puffy and red. "I-I... I just think Ally should take it from here." I sniffled trying to keep my composure. I wasn't better. Not really. I was lying to them and myself in the hopes that it would turn something on in my head to make me happier. It was no use.
"Um," Ally was at a loss for words which was the first time. "I talked to y/n about knowing she was depressed because you all know that my family has had to deal with depression." Everyone looked at her and nodded, "What you don't know is that I'm on medication for depression and anxiety." Their jaws dropped as they continued to listen to the small Latina. "I tried to tell y/n about it before hand, but the night I found her unconscious was the day my heart broke again. Having to help someone with depression is hard, especially if you have it yourself. I'm not the little sunshine you all know. I just feel like after 3 years of being friends, you should all know this." I pulled Ally in a hug and she wrapped her arms around my waist as I felt her finally let go of her emotions.
Before I could pull away I heard Mila's voice tremble, "How did you do it?"
I left go of Ally to turn to Camila, "What?" I wiped my eyes carefully to not mess up my makeup.
Her voice was shot and I could hear the hurt, "How did you try to kill yourself, y/n?"
"Mila.." Lauren spoke up trying to stop Camila from overreacting. Her voice was breaking a little, too.
Camila was now more upset than ever, "No, Lauren. I deserve to know how I would've found her the next morning if Ally hadn't." Camila's rants were something unbearable. I just sat back and let her yell. "I deserve to know what selfish deed she was going to do to leave me here without her. Do you even understand how much I love you, y/n? How much we all love you? Dinah needs you to listen to music with. You and Lauren are supposed to ride motorcycles together one day and rock out to vinyls. Mani needs you here to tell her to keep twerking to Beyoncé and be a bad bitch. Ally needs a daughter to take care of. And I need my girlfriend. No, I need my wife. How dare you try to take that away from all of us!" Camila yelled slamming her fist on the table. I felt the pressure from her beating chest as she did her best to control her breathing and calm down. I stayed quiet as one tear left my eye and fell onto the table creating a miniature puddle. Camila breathed out, "I want you to answer me."
"Mila, don't make me say it." I begged looking at my tears as they fell beside the small puddle.
"I want to know. You told me I could ask questions." Her voice was so cold it made me shiver a bit.
"I was in the tub, Mila. I let everything go. Is that what you wanna hear?!" I retorted hearing my voice crackle.
"What were thinking about when you did it? Because I don't believe you could just let go." Her voice rasped.
"You. Them. Everything. I kinda just spaced out, Mila. I'm sorry."
"You should be." Camila said scooting away from me. Something that broke my heart in a thousand different ways. Something I knew was bound to happen. Even when she was upset with me, she'd still sit close to me. But when things with us were too much, she distances herself.
I felt more tears pour down my face, "I don't know what you want me to say besides I'm sorry, Camila. I told you the truth. Shouldn't you be happy?"
"I would've been happier if you would've came to talk to me before you tried to fucking kill yourself, y/n." Camila yelled back.
I sighed, "I couldn't tell you because I knew you'd act like this."
"Like a worried girlfriend? Shame on me for freaking out because someone I truly love tried to off herself." Her voice was the coldest I'd ever heard it sending chills down my spine. And not good ones.
"That's enough, Camila." Dinah said setting her phone on the table in frustration to stop the bickering.
"You're right. This is enough." Mila said in a bitchy tone.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked feeling my chest tense up.
"You know what I mean." She rolled her eyes then finally understood what I was thinking.
"Then I guess you're saying we're done, huh?" I retorted feeling the anger well up inside of me. The way Mila said her things when she was upset were always misconstrued because she meant them at the moment. She never thought before she talked, and that was a problem. Camila stayed quiet which meant she either really did want to break up, or she was in her own little world trying to stop herself from breaking apart.
"Don't say something you'll regret, y/n." Ally warned placing her hand on my back.
I looked at her with harsh eyes, "It was your idea to tell her this and now everything is destroyed. I told you it was a bad idea."
Camila was staring at her fingers on the table. "I'll call my uncle and tell him to stop the papers. Have a good life, Camila Cabello." I said with tears in my eyes as I used the last amount of energy I had to hobble off to a secluded part of the carnival and sit down to call my uncle to pick me up.
I can't believe we are through.