Pages From My Journal

So, 17-year-old me

Woman - Mumford and Sons
Loner - Mikky Ekko

Dear me,

I remember baba once telling me, that I'm both sensitive and wise, and that makes me who I am, makes me Chhavi. When I look back to 16-year-old me, I see pink. An amazing year filled with love, light, color, smiles and a few tears. It has been a year I would love to live again and again. I've given myself time and space to grow just the way I wish to. I've made decisions stemming from my needs and desires, choices and thoughts.

I think I just want you to remember that when you're with the person you love, there is never enough time, but when you're doing something you love, there is so much time. You just have to open your eyes and see it, accept it, and grab it.

Over the year I have grown an impatient and crude streak or two and as much as I fucking hate talking about my negatives, they exist. They exist and they hurt people. Dont hurt people, dont be that girl. Dont lose your sensitivity and be overly empathizing in situations that leave you in an emotional and sticky mess.

This year, has been so good, oh dear. I passed tenth grade, wtf, with a 95.2% no less, you bitch. Dad cried. There were tears in his eyes before mine and I can never forget that, in that moment those crucial months of disgusting toil and 5am mornings paid off. 11th grade started with a bang, one of the brightest years of my life. I feel like Ive had so much time this year, to just do my thing, stay in bed and read away for hours.

I fell in love. Or did I? Or did I not? Massive confusion, especially considering I fall in love on a daily basis for fucks sake. But then,  I started Their Chimeras and I fell out of love. I just did.

Their Chimeras was a gift, a real gift. Every time I recall the moment when I was walking around the neighborhood listening to mourning doves by Mikky Ekko, adding fuel to my sex hormones, I suddenly stood still and had a vision. A vision of a story, the story of a girl who I would like to be future me, set in the city where my soul resides and with a man, a man, a man, this man with beautiful brown eyes and something about him, something I was yet to discover and sex. Lots of sex, too much.

I ran home and started the first chapter, letting my ideas run rampant, fierce, wicked and bold. I felt high, a high I'd never touched before. The hours of writing and editing and more editing 11 times became my everything. It gave me a purpose, a purpose I'd chosen for myself after so long. Their Chimeras was all mine, so mine.

And then, it was published, and before I knew it, it touched 1000 reads in a week. A fucking week. That night I lay in bed, talking to my pillows as usual, and out of the blue, my heart exploded and I cried. I sat up, letting the sheets fall away, baring my mind, heart and skin to the night and cried. I looked up and found my space with divinity and thanked him. Between sobs I gasped and wheezed, thank you thank you thank you thank you god. thank you, god.

I thanked him for the acceptance, for the devotion, for the love I received from my readers for me and my characters, for giving me my readers and giving me Riana and Yuvraj. I thanked him for my mind, the mind that's so me. Yes, I can be a massive dumbity dumb dumb most of the time, but over the last three years, I've come to love my mind and everything about it. And I thanked him for that feeling.

In some ways through Their Chimeras, I managed to put all my dreams in words and maybe thats why I feel so connected to it. I've always wanted to write about sex and the way I envisioned my life ahead with auburn hair and a 402 shoes closet. And when people fell head of heels in love with that creation, it did things to my heart I cant put in words.

And I'll be honest for a sec and let you know that being horny enough to write a 4000 words sex sequence isnt fucking easy. Like, it was hard as shit. But a challenge I gladly embraced, because deep down I was ready to prove myself as a worth it writer. Even if it was just a sentence that touched someone.