Pages From My Journal

7th January - Acknowledging New Years

Dear diary,

Happy new year finally! My coward ass has finally plucked the courage to write the memories down now.

I've dreaded this more than I'd willingly admit. It's been an insanely rough year. Right from Jan in Calcutta, the face reading experience, the sickness in Feb followed by issues with acquaintances. March, well I had the "exams".. Need I elaborate? No. April got worse with "boy problems" Lol.. Drowning myself in tunes, the sultry air in Pondicherry, long walks by the beach and short meals in the Air Bnb.... Crying myself to sleep for a few hours and then waking up right in the middle and,,,, well... That's when Vampire Diaries happened. Damon Salvatore happened.

April also marked the period when my writing in depressed category sort of touched the sky. I hardly stopped after that - throughout the year.. May was sleeping, finishing Vampire Diaries, gearing up for tenth.. It was a blur and I'm thankful for that. The shit seems like it didn't exist even though it did.. And it's relieving to just actually pretend for once that it was okay.. You feel me?

Well, in June, 10th grade happened. Until the night before 3rd June, my crap was all over the place, and school somehow pulled my derailed train back on track. Oh and then.. Surprise surprise!!! It went downhill in a week?

Everyday was hard, challenging. There were times when I over-felt and times when I felt numb, drunk and lost. I fucked my academics, I fucked my personality, I fucked my head. That last sentence was metaphorical ;)

Stuff was happening and I had control. But I believe that simultaneous to having and exercising control on my life, I lost the reins every time I slacked for a fraction a second. And I couldn't really afford to do a half assed job, gaining back charge. Nothing was really fine. But, honestly. I stopped caring about what the fuck was happening. I know why... But diary, I'm not ready to accept that just this yet.

There was a bright patch in October when I started publishing my books. Reading was my greatest pleasure, but writing is now an extremely close second. It filled my heart with joy to the brim and set it in a happy beat.

I minimised my communication and made stupid choices through every moment of the last 6 months. I regret it. Indeed, But ....

Every single day, I hated and I absolutely detested. Through the seasons when my prayers to god were to not let me wake up.. I learnt just how extremely essential and perfect those times were. Every tear, fit of anger, song sung in the shower, over-stretch to prove something, to feel something, feel nothing. It was an experience. I needed to go through that, to build me, strengthen me, learn to hold myself together and stick by myself when I sobbed into my sweatshirt at night and laughed at my silly imagination and faired badly in the exams.. When close people weren't so anymore, when they left me and moved on. It taught me to be live without them. And I'm fucking thankful to the God who didn't let me die for that. I'm so grateful, like I'd do an air split or do the last dance from "dirty dancing" for you. ;D

So yes I regret it a tiny bit.. But I realise the importance and it makes me happy too. I accept it with open arms and cuddle it sweetly.

So 2019. Yes you fucked me over completely and left me in a mess that I'm not prepared or willing to clean, but you also taught me its significance. Since its fair enough and well, my life. I happily let go you finally, Today on the 7th January. I loved every moment.

The dance, the tunes, the challenges, the heartbreaks, the smiles, the hugs, the dinners with my family. All of it, utterly, completely and incandescently. Thankyou.

2020. Please be slightly easy on me.

I'm ready. NOW.

Love,

Chhavi <3

Playlist: 2019

I dont miss you - Caro

shadows - Lindsey Stirling

Shallow - Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper

Bitter love - Pia Mia

She is, Never say never, I found you - The Fray

I knew you were trouble - Taylor Swift

I don't wanna be your girlfriend - girl in red

hope - Chainsmokers

Hunger - Ross Coperman

Time - Mikki Ekko

Ghungroo - War

Wasabi - Little Mix

Scream and shout - Kesha

Both the albums by Harry Styles

CRAZY IN LOVE - BEYONCE