Pages From My Journal

20th July 2019 - Lost and found

"There are moments in our lives that seem to define us... But, isn't it really about what lies beyond those moments?"

(I have an obsession for this quote)

                I feel strange. I feel alive. Like alive-alive but just kinda-existing at the same time. My head hurts and I feel sleepy all the time. My tests begin in four days and I'm so unprepared. Less than I've ever been. It's not okay.

            But right now, in this mind frame and feeling of utter confusion and loss inside me, it feels right. I feel fine. I'm okay to let this opportunity get destroyed. I want to let go. The reasons though I cannot explain.

            I have tried repeatedly and whole-heartedly to search for answers, only to be left with nothing but a growing guilt and a starving conscious, at the close of a few hours of thinking. It is unsettling and pathetic and a tiny bit horrifying. I know, it should scare the shit out of me, but it truly just doesn't. My brain is on vacation, on a glamorous, scenic, hot sunny beach. Styled with blue Ray-Bans and matching bikini, absolutely content with an endless supply of Gin&Tonic and rice-paper summer wraps, and cake. ( I always want CAKE )

            It's wearing a wrap-around saying, "Chill the fuck out ". And I'm only happy to comply, knowing that it is like digging my own grave. But guess what? Yay!! I don't really mind!

              It's like all these years, I know I felt so much. Being the star-child, amazing at dance, academics, favourite in the family, loved by the grandmothers, teased by the brothers, popular at school. I mean it's just been too perfect and surreal. That now when I look back, I feel  like I felt nothing, that every moment, every second, hour, day, years, that 15 years got over in a milli-second.

            And I trust, that I certainly feel things now. Like every thought and emotion actually seeps through me, gets absorbed by my cells and muscles. However, most of these thoughts are negative. Making me do wrong things. So I don't know if I should stop feeling so much.

            Actually, no. I'm fully aware that I should stop. But I don't want to. Now, why is that?

          It's because right now - I feel free, independent, unstoppable, I don't feel held back. But contrarily, I'm not blossoming. It's bringing me down. That's bad. But yet, I want to try. It is all haywire and mass fudge in the head. I'm torn between trying my hardest to do the right deed and unconsciously submitting to the wrong thing.

What is this?

         I want to sleep and when I wake up, I want everything to go back to perfect, but nothing to change at the same time. Am I mad?

       I hunt for answers and explanations, but none make sense. Life isn't hard, but just so damn hard at the same time.

       I feel enthusiastic and the opposite of it too. I just want to take a break now. Because when I look  back years later, I don't want to feel like nothing went wrong. I yearn to feel everything, this world has to offer, no matter the sufferings. I will gladly ponder over my wrong-doings and regrets, which up until now are only 2. Thank heavens.I want to learn from my mistakes.

         Life till now has been all rainbows and unicorns and confetti. There were dark times no doubt, but I got past it. Things like that make me happy.

          Yes... I know, I make no sense. But sometimes, that rocks.

Coz you have to be dumb sometimes to feel the small things in life.

:)

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Phew!!!!!!

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love u always !