Pages From My Journal

1st November 2019 - A normal entry

I should calm down with the kiss emoji.

Today is a really chill and smiley day. There are lots of things to be done. And miraculously they get done. Well I do them. Since I'm a tolerably good teenager. And I read quite a bit ( China Rich Girlfriend... Kitty Pong is so fucking sassy. My ass cannot even relate in her dreams. Moving on from the fact that I just called my ass a 'she') I Studied hard and slept for 13 hours- which is way better than it actually sounds.

Now, that I'm here in Kochi, for a week's vacation. I've had ample time to sort my head out. And no, I haven't come to any ground breaking conclusion, not that I believe it's even possible. But I feel clear headed, calm and my definition of normal for once. Once after a long ass time.

The last couple months were gangbanging and mind frenzying and I had no time to literally invest in me. Which SUCKED.

I watched 2 absolutely great movies, 'Tall Girl' and 'Eat Pray Love'. The latter one was enlightening and influencing as hell. And I'm ob-sess-ed.

It's the kind of story we all wish was our's but we never grew the balls or had enough will power to actually do it. I was enthralled and like drooling and just going Gaga. Furthermore after reading the book, its more magical, but ya I'll shut up about it.

Since a lot has happened, I also ended up learning something.

That no matter who comes, who goes. Who fights who stays.

I need to be there for myself. I need to clean my shit, pick up my ass, and give myself space and time to heal.

I cannot be dependant on someone else so that I might find peace and comfort. Maybe family once in a while. But not always. People won't always stay. They will help, but YOU need to push yourself out of the darkness.

In simple language.
I've learnt what it feels like to be left alone. And it feels like the worst and most unbelievably shit thing ever. It made me realize, that though some loved ones around me, provide gratification periodically, the only person who can get over it is me. My brain.

And boy its hard. But after this  realization branded my heart, there was no going back.

I'll be there to take care of myself. And I love myself, not in a narcissistic fashion, but like some hurt and weak parts of me become the baby at times and the other parts of me, the slightly more sane ones, take care of me. Because of the love.

I'm going to get back to Kitty Pong and Eleanor Young.

Love, hugs and kisses
Chhavi