Pages From My Journal

23rd May, 2022

I was texting a friend today and he asked me how I feel about telling him everything. And I thought, no, I wouldn't do that. But honestly, I've documented most of my life in way of my books. The thrill of being on stage, the pros of one-sided love, those daydreams of endless nights of passion, the crushes (that one's insanely obvious haha), how I picture my perfect future- on a beach club in Bali, flirting with the bartender, writing, living, living Riana's life.

But it's been a while since I documented my life.

God, I'm cringing so hard, regretting listening to that cowboy vibe song that had me dancing in the room with my eyes closed. Some songs really bring out the girl-on-the-farm version in me. Anywayyy. Writing's different now. No crush I am actively trying to bone or marry in my head. Bummer. My soul isn't in pain so I'm not trying to stab the buttons on my keyboard blindly because I'm too proud to wipe away the tears. I'm just swaying a little. Like a 170-degree sway. Very dramatic. Lol just kidding I look like a hooligan.

I went to my first high school party this week. And I know it's crazy because its kinda late, considering I'm already 18. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. The weather was great, and then some stories I'll remember.

Yeah, we all want the much-awaited quarter-year scoop on sweater boy? Is that, is that what we're calling guys we don't trust 90% of the time? I don't know Chhavi make up your fucking mind you corrupt little witch. Cue- The Lime Tree by Trevor Hall. Still, daydreaming hard... Might die of angst waiting for that day in the bistro I wrote about to come true, or not. Who knows? I might fall for an Australian at college. In desperate need of long-lasting crushes anyway. At least 8 months so I can write a book about it.

Bestie's birthday was fun. We fit the marriage for convenience trope in a way no one else can. I won't explain that ridiculous notion because it makes way too much sense in my head and no sense at all if I try to put it in words.

I've been learning and observing all these new things about teenagers dating. It's a little heartbreaking. My parents set the bar high for me. That kind of love is special. Love that promises a lifetime of foot massages, cakes every week, movie nights, and a kid that's not doing drugs. Wow. Can we all afford to dream that way? Not me.

Ever since it started raining cats and dogs in this glorious city, I imagine having my many rain firsts at Stanford. The first drop, the first shower, the first dance, the love, the spine rattling rib cage dislocating kind of chill, the inspiration, the drama, the pee. Lol just kidding I won't pee in the rain. Promises promises.

Good days and bad days are so stark. You don't notice the difference as kids but when you grow up and live the difference it's impossible to ignore. Sometimes you can pull an all-nighter with a migraine on a good day and sometimes you can't even leave the house to eat lunch outside on a bad day.

The concept of resting and working out is a big part of my daily life now. Sometimes it gets late at night and I skip the ritualistic orgasm so I can soak my feet in warm water with Epsom salt instead. It just makes me happier. I run or do workout videos at home when I don't have ballet and watch what I eat and I'm not a fan of admitting stuff like this, but life feels fuller.

Also, oh my god, all the sex scenes I've written in the past are so awful?????????? I'm in pain. It sounds like a poorly written one-handed read rather than well, anything even remotely relatable. But I will do better. I must. Jesus.

Ambition. It's a nice word. I guess.

I remember writing a composition on that topic in 4th grade?

Yeah well, I'll write another one on it now.

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Ambition is a little light at the end of the tunnel. But I'm just more interested in running around in the dark tunnel for a bit. chasing the light isn't the goal right now. Getting lost for a bit, stumbling in the shadows, finding something meaningful where others might assume there's nothing.

Ambition is that annoying fucking word my mum brings up every time I talk about taking a vacation. I can't help it if the beach inspires me. Can I?

Ambition is scary because once you get there, fun time's over. The hustle is exhilarating because you constantly move forward and learn so many things. The experience is golden and the self-motivation is sweeter than the taste of amateur pussy. Yikes sorry, that's inappropriate. After accomplishing the goal, you take a minute to stop and breathe. And then, the breather turns into a month-long celebratory wait. Months flash by and you're still there. In the light, but somehow everything's duller than it was in the tunnel.

Ambition isn't my happy word.

Obviously.

I know it's important and life's about having a drive. Maybe not for everyone though.

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Lately, I've been even more obsessed with cats on the internet. Lots of I love you's have been slipping from my lips. Is this what my mom means when she's constantly accusing me of leading people on? God knows. Oh, Jared Leto is fine. Larry thinks I'm getting crazy. He'll never admit it but he loves me a little extra every time I make a bad decision.

He's sane and all but he knows I like living life more than anything. Deep down I'm the worst Kardashian. Yup. That's precisely why my vision board consists of pictures of the beach and Dakota Johnson. And some passive-aggressive quotes about not giving a fuck. Sorry.

I don't know if I have it all together and it scares me sometimes. In the real world with real problems, you can't say fuck this shit and have a dance party to make everything go away, can you?

Will I learn or stumble? Maybe both.

I just have to try. I can try. I will try.