Pages From My Journal

29th August, 2021.. .

Chances...

Fucking chances.

I mean the kind one takes.

It isn't a leap of faith exactly. Its literally taking a chance with something that could have life altering ground breaking horrendous absolutely terrifying consequences. There's that word. Consequences.

I don't if I'm the only one imagining what it could be like to take that chance. Because what if its all I've ever wanted you know?

What if it's meant to be what if makes my heart beat faster my eyes water?

Sometimes I think fuck the consequences. But I never actually do, unless it getting drunk and taking a naked dip in the pool.

But I never actually fuck the consequences when it comes to something okay, maybe even good or worthwhile in my life. I'm constantly measuring the pros and cons and maybe it's good coz I don't really know what I want. Because I generalize too much, I'm far from facts, I'm broken from reality or something intelligent like that.

But I really do. I think about it all the time in my head and I swear on my fucking heart its beautiful. Like rose tinted glasses, like chocolate cake, like endless orgasms, like expensive shoes.

I wish imagining that wasn't so hard because it seems far away, unattainable and sad.

So many people have told me to give them chances, but I'm just so scared to love one person unconditionally knowing that person won't feel the same. I'm so scared. So, what else can I do but imagine?

Do I take the chance?

Do I really fuck the consequences?

I close my eyes and hear one line, "that ship has sailed, far away, a long time ago. Because you were too fucking stupid."

Is that what regret is like?

Coz that's fucking ironic since the theme of my last book was based on having no regrets.

Chhavi. You doomed bitch.

You should have just kept your mouth shut.

Thomas Gray didn't say ignorance is bliss coz he was bored and suffering from Chafed Penis Syndrome. The proverb "Curiosity killed the cat" is obviously based off facts I didn't care to pay attention to earlier and my personal favorite. "Some things are better left unsaid."

Drawing the line with TMI is so important. Especially when. You know.

(CODE- Where holes exist because of gold, where what's not red in the glorious sense is clipped inefficiently. That hurt. I think affirmations is all you can truly hope for. Now. Don't cry in the shower for fuck's sake. Come on, or at least be decent enough to blame it on Notting hill.)

If it's any consolation statistics and EQ are both in your favor. As long as you focus on facts, you'll feel motivated to not take chances and also, feel repulsed enough to maintain hmmm some boundaries.

Fucking great. Unhelpful advice.

(CODE- one one : 2 aight 8. fingers one week, days of the hand. that's how long. a long time indeed.)

1:10am

30/8/21

Whatever you need at this point and cake that causes pimples isn't it ffs.

Chhavi.