Pages From My Journal

18th October - Stoic and Broken

Everything is moving.. And I'm stuck where I stand.. Things seem to happen and I'm unaware of the actions and consequences. Moreover.. I don't get bothered. There are instances wherein I do. But I'm biased.

Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me selfish? Does that make me a drama queen? Does that mean I'm fake? I live my life inside a fantasy?

I fail so miserably in keeping my own identity and self in one place, that after a point I stop caring. And yes, that's a shitty and low and careless thing to do.. But I'm so weak.. Its like everyone and everything is testing me hard, and it's more than what I could bear.

I don't want to cry and fall to the ground when my knees give away anymore.  However that invariably tends to happen.. Again and again and then again.. How do I face the same fucking ordeal so many times? Can I? Must I?

I mean will it ever be worth it? Will I ever be worth it? Will I ever be able to stay strong till the end?

Honestly.. I don't know.. I don't have the energy to even find an answer.. I don't even have the energy to think about it. Or sweat over it. I'd rather just not learn. Because not like it's ever going to be enough. Right?

The times when I used to spend the day reading romantic novels in my bed for the entire day is now just a mere memory.. I haven't slept, or rested myself physically, let alone mentally.. I haven't even thought about that.. Just a couple infractions or spurts of peace here and there. And then that's it.

I'm fed up. And cranky and just too done to even claim to be that. I'm lost.
I dont know what I lost, what I'm searching for, where I'm going wrong, how I'm going to correct it. Make any of it right.

Have I given up? Or I'm I just exhausted?

I pray for neither answers nor to make everything right..

Just grant me peace and let me be released. Because there is only so much I can lose to petty issues, before I lose myself from me completely for a long time. And just thinking about that waters my eyes with fresh tears. I want to go back to me. And never lose any of myself.. I can't.

To whoever I'm meaning for this to listen.
Please. Just stop. I'm powerless and I can't let you get to me anymore. Please stop. Or I'll not make it out this time. I truly won't.