Pages From My Journal

Let's Talk About Love

Dear diary,

I used to be the girl who had her entire life planned out in her head. 5 years ago, reading Little Woman made me want to become a housewife and have four little girls of my own with long hair and settle down.

I read romance novel after novel and Darcy, Heathcliff, Hardin, Rochester, Maxim, dear god! They all made me happy and believe in that magical feeling of love. It's so dreamy and bubbly. You can get lost again and again and so deep in those pages and live their stories.

In time, I think I got a basic idea of what love is. They cuddly physical kind, the insatiable sexual kind, the undying caring kind. The list is endless. But its necessary and deep seated.

Year after year, all those plans sublimated. I thought I'd fallen in love. Sweet little me!

I don't know what happened. But I broke down randomly and for a long time. And after that I was never the same. That's when I learnt that it was all in my mind. Those thoughts gave me the power and encouragement to be the best version of me. Of Chhavi Nahata. And when those feelings stopped existing all at once, it was hard to pick up myself.

I wouldn't call it an obsession or a case of codependency. It was more like faith and innocent love for something that I created in my own mind.

Teenage is that complicated period, where we think we know what we want. But do we actually? I'm a very indecisive human. I get carried away and make irrational quick decisions. It's spontaneous and backfires up my ass.

But I'm glad I made all those stupid decisions and went into mild self constructed depression. Because it was the biggest learning of my entire life. It taught me how to be true and honest about my thoughts and feelings. Confront my wild imaginations and distinguish between right and wrong.

Love is a very very strong emotion. It's my strongest emotion. I connect and bond by love and when my connection to that love broke. I broke.

But the point here is that..... I got out of it.

Stay strong and trust yourself. Because you are enough and what you sow, so shall you reap.

So love.

Love
Chhavi