Unexpected Promises

Chapter 51 ✓

Atifa's pov:

'Three years. It is going to be three years since I last saw him. Since we last met. And honestly, I'm not even sure how I feel about it. Or how I feel about the things happening around me. Three years is a long time. Longer than I imagined us being away from each other.

I miss him, terribly. I don't even know how to explain it in words. In the beginning, my thoughts were usually occupied with him. What he might be doing or how he might be doing. If he missed me too. Or if he was alright. What… What was his mother's reaction? If she forgave him? She wasn't angry at him because of me, was she?

But as time passed by, these thoughts faded to the back of my mind. Not that I don't think about him anymore, I do. But my thoughts aren't just occupied with him anymore. They are more occupied by ammi and Amira. About ammi's changed behaviour and Amira's future. Then there are my studies. Although I'm not much concerned about it, my thoughts still wander here and there, giving me anxiety and panic attacks.

My life… It is just going on. At times, time flies so quickly that I feel like I'm missing out on my life, or the moments which I should be cherishing. And then there are times - most of the times it's usually this one - when I can't wait for things to get over and done with. When the day doesn't seem to end and it just drags on.

And today is one of those days. When the day doesn't seem to end and the time drags on. I don't even know why but I'm missing him so much. Him; Saad; my husband. 'My husband.' Even writing it seems so weird after so long. But I miss him. And I hope he is alright. I really really hope that he and his family are okay.

I have hurt him so much. Whether it was knowingly or unknowingly, it doesn't matter. And the guilt still gnaws at my heart, making me restless and sleepless at times. But what can I do? What can I do to make it go away? For it to leave me alone? I don't know…

Sometimes I wonder if he got married and started his new life… I'm not sure, nor am I complaining about it. But I have been waiting for three years for him to come and find us and yet there are times I feel hopeless, when I feel like he has given up on me, on us. And I can't stop my tears from cascading down their path while praying for it to be just my over thinking mind and nothing else.

And then there are times when I feel like it's better if he has already moved on. Because those are the times when I don't know how to face him if I ever come across him, or if he ever found me, found us. Because I still don't know how to answer him on behalf of ammi, or what to answer him.

Our case, or situation, whatever it was, is still stuck in the same place. Ammi still hasn't disclosed any of her reasons to us. In fact, if she used to be cold before, then she has become even colder now. I usually find her zoned out nowadays.

It's not easy to accept what she has become. I would have never imagined her turning out like this. I wouldn't have anticipated anything like this happening. Ever. But look where we are!

Sometimes… I admit guiltily... Sometimes, I feel like it's better that abbu left us before ammi changed. Because I don't think he would have been able to watch her turn into someone like this. So… modern? Cold? Harsh? Rude? Lost, perhaps? I don't know. Just… someone totally opposite of what she used to be.

But then again, maybe she has her own reasons? I don't know! And it's just so frustrating because she refuses to tell us anything, not even her reasons!

Sometimes it gets so hard to keep trusting her. Or to have faith in her. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on everything and everyone. How much more? How long do we have to keep up with this before she finally decides to open up and share her reasons, her problems with us? Or is it always going to stay like this?