⇾ 𝐌𝐀𝐘𝐁𝐄 𝐈'𝐌 𝐀𝐌𝐀𝐙𝐄𝐃 | 𝐏𝐚𝐮𝐥 𝐌𝐜𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐲 𝐈𝐈

𝘾𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙀𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 ➪ 𝙎𝙡𝙚𝙚𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙉𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨

ꕥ May 7, 1969 ꕥ

In the middle of the night, I woke up from a bad dream. It was only half a figment of my imagination. It was some exaggerated version of me finding out I was pregnant with Mary. Everything I had been feeling came rushing back once again, and it all felt so real.

My mind replayed the memory of me laying down in bed and curling up, all of my emotions spilling out at once.

My eyes popped open and I was staring at the wall, laying in exactly the same position I had been laying in the dream. Then, I realized that there were tears spilling out of my eyes and I felt confusion rise up inside of me. I carefully sat up and wiped my eyes before standing up and creeping out of the room quietly, so as not to wake Paul.

I made my way downstairs and sat on the couch, pulling my knees up to my chest. Thisbe the cat entered the room and hopped up beside me, causing me to smile. I reached over to run my hands through her fur. Then, I moved so I was sitting with my legs crisscrossed and pulled her onto my lap.

I leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and let my mind wander. I didn't know where it was going, but I figured that if there was something on it, the best way to get rid of the thought was to just let myself think about it. What good would it do to keep it bubbled up inside anyways?

"Juliette?" My eyes popped back open and I looked towards the doorway. It was dark, but I could just barely make out Paul's outline standing there, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. "What're you doing up, love?" he came over to sit next to me. He turned on a lamp next to the couch. His face immediately fell in worry. "Shit, have you been crying?" he asked me.

I didn't even notice that there were still tears trickling down from my eyes. Even when I did notice it, I shook my head. "No," I tried to offer up, but as soon as my mouth open, everything came out at once and I began to really cry. "Why the fuck am I crying?" I asked as I wiped furiously at my eyes.

I felt Paul's arms close around me. "Tell me what's on your mind, then," Paul said. "It isn't about the fact that you might be pregnant, is it?"

As much as I wanted to lie again, I nodded. I couldn't lie to Paul. It made me feel too guilty. I just couldn't bear it. "Yeah, it is," I told him.

"What's wrong?" he asked me nervously. "You aren't regretting it, are you?"

I shook my head quickly. "No," I told him. "I do want another baby, it's just..." I stopped to gather my words. "This whole thing? It's reminding me of the last time I found out I was pregnant. It reminds me of how fucking terrible I felt and how bloody depressed I was for so long. I don't really know. Part of me is just scared that will happen again."

Paul's arms tightened around my shoulders. "Baby, you know that's not gonna happen again. Everyone'll be so happy."

"No, I know that. I'm just...I don't even bloody know. I'm so tired."

"Then, why are you up?" he asked gently.

"I was dreaming. I was dreaming about when I found out I was pregnant with Mary. I was feeling all those same emotions. I've spent the past three years trying to forget about it, and this whole thing is just bringing it all back up again, and that scares me." Thisbe jumped down from my lap and I turned completely to Paul, burying my head in his chest. It was like it was made to go there. It made me feel so much better.

"Overall, I've just got a bad feeling. I don't really know what about, I just do, and I can't get rid of it."

Paul let his hands roam up and down my back. "Thank you for telling me," he said. "I promise everything will be okay," he added. "And if something does go wrong, we're gonna get through it, alright? Just remember that you're never, ever alone. You've always got me."

"I know I do," I said, taking a few deep breaths to try and compose myself again.

"Is that all?"

I pulled away and looked at him. "Can I have a kiss?" I asked him, trying to lighten the mood with a smile.

"Always," he responded with a smile of his own before leaning down to fulfill my request. When he pulled away, he leaned back against the back of the couch, pulling me with him. I leaned my head against him, taking in his scent.

For a moment, neither of us said anything. We just sat there in silence, taking in one another's presence like it was oxygen and we were about to breathe our final breath.

"We should take a vacation," Paul said to me. "Not back to Scotland, but somewhere else. After we find out if you're pregnant or not. I wanna take you and Mary somewhere you'll love, alright? You'll let me do that?"

I giggled. "Paul, who in their right mind would refuse a vacation?"

"Dunno," he admitted. "But I'm certainly hoping you're in your right mind."

"Of course, I'll let you take me on a vacation. I hate to admit it, really, but I definitely need one. One that isn't to Scotland this time, as much as I love it." I smirked.

Paul chuckled. "Right. I get it."

I smiled to myself for a moment. "Let's go back upstairs," I said to Paul. "I'm tired."

"Alright," he responded, reaching for my hand to help lead me up the stairs.

Once we made it up to our bedroom, we both crawled under the covers. I cuddled up close to Paul. He smelled like his cologne, and that made me feel calm.

"Do you want me to go with you tomorrow?" Paul asked me quietly, tracing shapes on my back.

"No," I told him. "I'll be fine. It didn't take long last time, so I'm not expecting it to take long this time either."

He nodded. "When you get done, come home and we'll go get lunch, alright? I know Mary'll miss you while you're gone. She hates it when you leave."

"I know she does," I replied. "I hate to leave her behind."

"She'll be alright with me, though."

I smiled. "Yes, she will be." I paused for a moment to think. "What if I'm not?" I asked him nervously.

"Then, we'll keep on trying," he said cheekily.

I giggled. "Alright, then."

"Unless you don't think you're ready yet," he added softly.

I shook my head. "I'm never gonna get over anything if I just keep avoiding it. Better to get it over with now."

"Just remember that no one will be upset. And I won't be upset if you don't think you're ready," he said. "Alright?"

"Alright," I replied. "You always know how to make me feel better," I mumbled. "I love you."

"I love you too," he responded. My heart swelled up in joy. All this time later and he still made me flustered when he said those words.